Attention: Another long chapter, but at least it’s a little shorter than the last one.. A little.. >_> Enjoy!
It was next Friday already, a week and a day since I had been with Bennu at Barefoot.. I was on my way home to see Faline, like I told her I would last Thursday when I had left her. I.. I had no words. I was already doing bad in all of my classes, even in the first week of being there. I couldn’t focus, I felt terrible, the guilt eating away at me, and yet.. I still couldn’t stop thinking about Bennu. Why didn’t she want to leave her job? I had made it a point to see her at least 6 times a year, and every time I asked her to be with me, every time, and she still said no.. Why? She knew I had money, she knew who I was and that I could support her without her needing to flaunt herself in such a way, for other men, but.. Why wouldn’t she do it? I wanted her to be mine, and yet, what would I even do if she did want to be with me now? I had Faline.. Thinking back on our time together now, I can’t believe I had asked Bennu to marry me, it came out of nowhere, but the strange thing was that I meant it.
I can’t see Faline, I’m not ready.. I can’t even think about looking at her. I miss her so much, I wanted to feel her growing tummy, listen to it, rest my head against it as I slept, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t look at her without giving everything away in my eyes.. Not yet.
I drive more and more through the city of Bridgeport, seeing everything all over again and now it brought out new memories instead of the old; how much Faline and I had wandered through the city together, showing her the sights, getting her used to being around here since she lived with me now. My eyes held back gentle tears as I then decided to go to Lana’s, I wanted to see Lucy; seeing her would get my mind off of Faline. Even though I was driving, I pulled my phone out and quick dialed Lana, her answering in a few rings.
“What do you want?” She asked coldly and I was instantly enraged by her words.
“I want to see Lucy.. I’m back for the weekend from college, let me see her,” I demand and I hear her sigh heavily, though she eventually complies.
“Fine, but I’m going out soon, just get here quick and get her,” she warned and hung up. Already, I had problems when coming back to this fucking town, despite even seeing Faline first.
I get to Lana’s within minutes since I had been driving around her part of the neighborhood for a while, wanting to see Lucy and wanting to avoid Faline as much as possible. It was still light out, but it was getting dark quickly; I had told Faline I would leave early in the morning, but didn’t end up driving home from college until around 2:00pm. I arrived at Lana’s between 5:45 and 6:00pm, taking my time while driving and it didn’t take the normal 3 hours, I wasn’t excited to go home like I should be. I went into her building and already I felt a slight bit better, knowing anything that would happen here would take my mind off of Faline. I buzzed Lana’s residence and within 30 seconds, she let me in and I went upstairs.
I went up the escalator and went to her door, not bothering to knock as she usually unlocked it before I ever got upstairs. I walked in and noticed Lucy playing with a yellow toy car on the ground and I smiled warmly, so happy to see her. Before Lucy noticed me, I looked around Lana’s place, noticing that she had renewed her furniture, the walls, the carpeting, almost everything. I was infuriated easily once again. What the fuck is this? This must’ve cost her at least a few grand to redo; I hadn’t been here in a few months, Lana didn’t like me coming here for a while after our fight at my place, but I didn’t doubt that it was all worth at least four of six checks I had given her in that time frame alone.
“Daddy! You’re here!” The sound of Lucy’s voice knocked me back into reality, looking to her as she had walked to me and stood about 5 feet from me, looking at me as if confused. She hesitated as she waited for me to give her a warm smile, “Are you okay?” She asked.
I didn’t like that I had left my expression angered enough for Lucy to notice, so once I looked at her, my smile grew wide and I lifted her up, throwing her around and she laughed until I brought her more into my arms and hugged her tightly, “I’m doing wonderful, especially now that I’ve seen my favorite lady,” I replied to her and pecked her cheek repeatedly until she eventually pushes my face away from my stubble tickling her. “How are you, beautiful?” I wondered.
“Good! I missed you! How’s school?” She wondered and I was touched by how she had remembered that I was at school again, I loved how she wanted to know how I was doing as well. Even though I was doing bad, I didn’t want to disappoint her or make her worry, so I lied..
“I’ve missed you so much, too! I’m doing so well I might even graduate early so I can see you even sooner, and I won’t be gone as long!” I replied with a joyful tone, though I knew she wouldn’t remember. I was impressed that she remembered I was even at school, yet she was still at that age where it didn’t matter how long I was gone, she’d miss me regardless and whenever I would show up, is, well, when I would show up..
I soon looked towards the stairs and heard Lana walking down; I knew she was wearing heels, I could hear them clicking on each step down and although I was angry with her, I knew she looked good without even seeing her whole outfit yet. I could only see a little of her dress, but from what I could see, it got my blood pumping and I felt a little uncomfortable holding Lucy.
Lana came downstairs and I looked her up and down, admiring her shiny silver dress and I forgot to blink for a while. “You look nice,” I attempted to compliment her, the side of my mouth twitching into a brief smirk, but she ignored my words.
“Are you leaving now?” She asked coldly, looking at me, then looking to Lucy and giving a gentle smile at her.
“Yeah, in a minute,” I answered, obviously checking her out and she scoffed, rolling her eyes and I knew she knew what I was trying to do.
“Jason, come on, knock it off,” she added with an irritated tone, turning away from me, but I knew she was flattered by my gestures. I needed to convince her to let me stay for a little bit so I could get a chance to talk to her about the remodeling she had done, but I had to get on her good side first.
I can’t help it, the moment she walks away from me I can’t help but stare at the curves of her body, remembering what she felt like against me naked so long ago. My heart started to race a little, watching Lana walk up the stairs and the more she walked up, the more I saw under her dress, which there was nothing there under it. With Lucy still in my arms, I felt a little uneasy and I wanted to follow Lana upstairs, soon walking Lucy back over to the spot she was at when I had gotten here and placing her on the ground again.
“Be a good girl, okay? I’m going to talk to Mommy, you just play with your doll house or something and we’ll leave really soon,” I said with a smile and pecking her forehead.
“Okay!” She answered me and I stood again to make my way upstairs after Lana. The only thing I hated about discussing something important with Lana here was that her room upstairs wasn’t closed in, so if we got into an argument, Lucy would hear everything, and I hated when she heard us fight. But, I needed to talk to Lana about this and get it straightened out.
I got upstairs and stopped Lana from going into her bathroom, probably just to continue getting ready so she could avoid me. I looked around her room quickly to see if she had made any changes up here as well, but her room was still the same; I couldn’t help but wonder though when she was planning to redo it, too. “Lana, what is all this?” I asked, trying to keep my cool as I brought up the subject.
“What is.. What?” She replied coldly, seemingly annoyed that I was even speaking to her.
“Lana, the living room.. The walls, the carpet, the furniture, how much did that cost you to do?” I wondered, my tone was already beginning to get angered.
“Why do you care? You’re never here anyways, it’s not like you live here. I wanted to make it more homey, it looked like shit before,” she replied and it was hard for me to contain the aggravation that crept up my spine.
“That’s not what I asked,” I state with a short tone.
Lana got defensive, “It’s none of your concern,” she pointed out and my blood was boiling.
“It’s not my concern? You’re using my money!” I stress, yet try to keep my voice down, “I give you that money to take care of yourself and Lucy, not for you to go and blow on stupid shit that you don’t need,” I add angrily, “Do you really want me to have to cut down the checks to keep you from blowing it on luxuries?” I threaten a little and I can tell I finally had stepped over the line with Lana; I knew that threatening to take away money would hit a nerve in her.
“You’re a fucking asshole, you know that?” She insulted and I grew even more enraged; how could she even call me that when I’m giving her hundreds and hundreds of my own dollars to feed them and keep a roof over their heads?
I’m furious by her words, watching as she went to turn around and attempt to go into the bathroom again, but I grab her wrist and twist her back around hard, forcing her to face me. Her eyes widened a little in fear and her chest rose and sank faster from quickened breathes, “Jason, you’re hurting me,” she said in a slight pleading tone, looking to me and asking with her eyes to let her go, but I don’t.
“You better prey that that little girl is always fed, clothed, and cared for with a roof over her head or so help me I’ll take her in an instant and leave you with nothing but this stupid fucking condo you seem to care about more than her. You can get a job and pay for it your fucking self. But, to avoid that from ever happening.. Don’t you ever use that money for anything else extravagant again, do you understand me?” I ask with a harsh tone and I watch as her face twists with different emotions and I can’t tell how she feels about my words.
Finally her expression turns angered once more and she jerks her wrist out of my grip, no doubt hurting herself while doing it, but then shoving me away from her, “Fuck you, Jason!” My eyes widen by how she had raised her voice and I knew that Lucy had heard it.
“Keep your voice down!” I pressured softly.
“No, this is bullshit.. How dare you say anything like that! You only see her a few months out of the whole fucking year and you’re going to tell me that I don’t care for her like I should? Look around, asshole! I’m making this place nicer for us to live in, the fridge is stocked and last time I checked, she has more clothes than she even needs! Don’t ever say I don’t take care of her when you barely ever see her! I’m surprised she even remembers you every time you walk in through that fucking door!” She replied angrily, my jaw dropping slightly. I realize that there’s no winning this argument, there never was; Lana always has to have the last word, and she always makes me feel like I should be to blame at the end of all our fights. She was right though.. I had already came back from college to visit Faline, but I had never came back that quickly from college to visit Lana and Lucy, I always waited about 3 months into the school year before I would even think of coming back for a visit.
“I want you to leave, now! I have to be somewhere and I don’t have time for this. You’re not getting Lucy, so forget it! I’ll drop her off at my Mom’s.. Now leave,” she threatened and my heart dropped. Lana went to walk away from me for the third time, but there was no way I’d let her leave just yet, especially after what she had said.
I reached for her quickly the moment she had turned around again and grabbed her hips, pulling her closer and she tried to get my hands off of her, “No no, it’s okay.. I’ll take her, I’m happy to,” I instantly felt pathetic as I began to beg Lana not to keep me from being with Lucy.
“Let me go, Jason!” She yelled louder than she needed to, no doubt wanting Lucy to hear her struggle so she would think badly of me.
“Mommy?” Lucy called upstairs and her voice seemed worried, killing me inside and I called down to her.
“Everything’s fine, baby girl, we’re just talking,” I reassured her, though from Lana’s over-exaggeration of a struggle, I doubt I convinced her at all.
Both of us knowing I was the stronger one, I finally forced Lana to turn around and she was back into my arms and I held her against me. My hands wrapped around her tightly and she knew she wasn’t going anywhere anymore; this time around, this discussion wasn’t over with until I was the one ending it. I spoke quietly and my tone was harsh, “Keep-your fucking-voice down,” I threatened again and her eyes tried to avoid mine, as if she knew she had done something wrong but she still refused to voice her defeat. I had never been this physical with her before, I could tell in her face that she was a little scared of what I might do. In past fights, she’s shoved me, slapped me, yelled her heart out, anything to get her point across and the only thing she hasn’t done yet is straight pull a gun out and shoot me. Only once have I ever done more than just yelling and I had tossed her onto the couch to get her away because she was belligerent and wouldn’t stop hitting me; I don’t even remember what that fight was about anymore.. “I don’t need her hating me or worried that I might hurt her due to you exaggerating shit. I’m just a little nervous, that’s all.. I saw all of this change downstairs when I came in, it scared me. I didn’t think you were using the money properly, but knowing now that you guys are still okay, even after the remodeling, it’s fine.. I’m sorry, Lana, alright?” I apologize, feeling stupid that I did, but I had to; she’d milk keeping Lucy from me and I never wanted that, and she knew it.
Eventually, after keeping her in her place, I see her eyes look up to mine and I can tell that she forgives me, though still doesn’t say anything. I let out a soft sigh through my nose and the corner of my mouth curls up slightly, lessening my hold on her and being able to relax again. I leaned in and gently kissed her cheek close to her lips, trying to comfort her more and to get her to stop being angered with me. I keep one arm wrapped around her as the other then slides down over her ass and then down her leg, threatening to sneak under her dress and I hear her sigh, “Jasonnnn,” she prolonged saying my name in a complaining manner, but I kissed her cheek again and my fingertips felt the bottom of her dress and then skin of her thigh was so smooth and inviting. “Come onnnn, I have to be somewhere,” she continued to coo softly and I smirked more.
“Do you have to go right now?” I asked with a flirtatious tone, feeling her arm wrap around my neck and her other hand came up to caress my face. I never quite understood why our relationship was like this; one minute we’d be at each other throats, the next we’d be all over one another as if the anger fueled us to have fun after a stressful argument. My hand began to make its way up the outside of her thigh and just as our lips were going to meet, the doorbell rang and Lana quickly pulled away from me.
Her expression went nervous, “Will you get Lucy and go now, please?” She asked, her demeanor completely changing and before I could even say anything, she was out of my grip and quickly going downstairs.
There was nothing left for me to do now but follow Lana downstairs and get Lucy and her things. I talked with Lucy and convinced her everything was okay between me and her mother, then looking around the living room again, wondering if I had been out of line at all or if I was right to question Lana about the condo.. I felt a little guilty for how I had treated Lana, but I had to get to the bottom of it and see what she was doing with the money I had been giving her. I looked out the window briefly and noticed it was dark out now, guessing it was around 6:30pm and I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, knowing it was Faline again and I didn’t bother looking at it; I knew it would just be her asking when I would get here, or if I was okay.
I heard the door open to Lana’s place and I glanced over to see who had stopped by, guessing it would be one of Lana’s girlfriends eager to go out for the night, but instead, a man walked in. A frown was instantly on my lips and I nonchalantly eavesdropped on their short conversation.
“What are you doing here? I said I would meet you there,” Lana began and her tone was hushed and nervous.
“It’s okay, I thought I’d just come and get you instead,” the man replied, hesitating no longer and pulling her into a kiss. I don’t know why I was so jealous, maybe it was because he got to do it when I didn’t upstairs because he had rang the doorbell; he blocked me from it and it enraged me. The way Lana was acting, too, made me a little weary to go over by them, but I had to leave, Lana wanted me to.
I rolled my eyes when they wouldn’t let go of one another, clearing my throat with an annoyed tone and they eventually separated, looking over to me and I could tell that Lana was uncomfortable. The man looked to me and I could tell he was surprised to see me, probably assuming that no one was here with Lana and Lucy. I walked over to them and I felt as if Lana couldn’t even make eye contact with me.
Lucy looked over to her mother and the man, smiling, “Hi, Matt!” She said happily and my insides twisted, hating that she was so friendly with this stranger and her tone even seemed a little happier towards him than it did for me when I had came in, causing me to hate this ‘Matt’ character instantly.
“Hey, Lucy! How are you, princess?” Matt asked as he looked at her while I starred him down.
“I’m good!” Lucy replied cheerfully.
“Hey, man.. I’m Matt, nice to meet ya,” Matt said to me but I had no words, hesitating as I studied him a little and I couldn’t stop looking at his eyes; they were identical to Lucy’s and I felt as if I was going to be sick.
“That’s Lucy’s father, Jason, and he was just leaving,” Lana said for me since I couldn’t find the words.
“Oh…?” Matt replied to Lana as if he questioned her.
I ignored him, I had to; I was ready to put down Lucy and strangle Matt until I saw his eyes roll into the back of his head. I turned around and picked up Lucy’s bag with her belongings in it, “You left your wedding ring on,” I remind Matt and I don’t hear either of them say anything for a few moments. Even though I had no room to talk, since I had cheated on Faline almost 3 times already, but if I was married to her, I feel as if I wouldn’t have acted the way I did. But, now, seeing him with his ring on made me feel bad for whoever his wife was, especially knowing that Lana could give less than a shit about it and it probably gave her some sense of power knowing that he was going behind his wife’s back for her. The whole situation was too much, thoughts about Faline and what I had done to her came running through my mind again, and now this.. It was so obvious.
Matt then spoke up before I walked passed him to leave, but I only looked over my shoulder and not at him, still unable to, “Uhh, hey man.. Let’s just, keep that on the down low, huh?” He asked with a weary tone, a light chuckle following after it.
I ignored him again, going up to Lana and I glared at her, “Say goodbye to Mommy,” I told Lucy in a soft, bland tone, still glaring at Lana and she still couldn’t look at me, leaning in and pecking Lucy’s cheek.
“Be good for Daddy,” Lana said with a happy tone that I knew she was faking for Lucy, her demeanor told me she was still nervous and uncomfortable about being in the same room with the two of us. What was worse was that I felt as if we all felt the same way, but none of us wanted to discuss it. I glared at Lana until she locked eyes with me and I knew she could read what I was thinking, watching as she quickly looked away towards the door and I immediately took my leave, somewhat slamming the door on the way out.
I got home with Lucy and braced myself for the worst. As I drove here my nerves skyrocketed every block we grew closer and I felt like vomiting when we pulled into the driveway; I could barely take the urge I had to just pull back out and drive to a hotel, but I couldn’t do that. We walked in and I nervously looked around, not seeing Faline and the house was quiet. Maybe Faline was resting? The closer she got to her due date, the more she needed to rest, maybe she was in the bedroom..?
I let out a gentle sigh and looked to Lucy, “Faline is probably sleeping, you should take your nap, too,” I suggested and she shook her head, though her eyes were droopy; she had been dozing off in the car, too.
“I’m not tireddd,” she complained and I smirked, pulling her head to my shoulder to rest and her eyes seemed to shut instantly.
I brought Lucy upstairs to her room and changed her into a fresh pair of pajamas, putting her down in her crib and she was already sleeping. I turned on the baby monitor again and slipped out of her room quietly, not waking her and I took my time walking back downstairs to the 2nd floor where my bedroom was. Every step I took down made me want, need, and hope that Faline was sleeping; I still didn’t think that I could face her without breaking down. My emotions are always rattled and depending on what I’m dealing with at the time is when it is its worst or best, and in this case, I’m at my worst right now. I don’t know what I’ll do when I first look into her eyes, look at her growing tummy, hearing how much she missed me when I’ve been nothing but promiscuous.. I don’t know why I felt so guilty, I’ve never had this happen before; maybe it was because she was my first actual girlfriend, ever. That sounds pathetic.. And that’s exactly how I feel right now; pathetic.
I didn’t bother knocking, gripping the door knob and turning it as slow as I could to keep it quiet, then opening the door at the same pace. The lights are off and I, for a moment, think that Faline isn’t home, but as I adjust my eyes to the dark, I see her laying on the bed, napping like I had assumed earlier. A wave of relief goes over me, and yet, my nerves are still attacking me. The sight of her is calming a little, but I hope she doesn’t wake as I walk closer and I stand on the side of the bed, looking at her sleeping without her glasses, her face calm and relaxed; she even had her phone clutched in her hand, no doubt still waiting for me to answer her. I looked to her growing tummy and more tears threatened to fall, but I held them back and quickly walked over to the dresser, turning the baby monitor up and setting it on top and exiting the room; Lucy’s cries would wake Faline if need be, and I had to get out of here.
I took my car and drove 20 over the speed limit on every street, driving aimlessly and I had no idea where I was going. Over a period of 30 minutes, I led myself unknowingly to the graveyard where my parents were buried and it took me until I put my car in park to realize where I had ended up. Why did I come here? I looked to the dark church, no lights on and I turned off my car, getting out and pressing the button to lock it as I approached the gates. It was always so hard driving here to see my mother, but I felt more comfortable here than at home right now..
As I approached my parents graves, I looked to my mothers headstone and for the first time today, I felt my body relax and my nerves started to settle; the exact opposite I usually feel when coming here. I stopped a few feet from them and my eyes were fixed on my mothers name etched into the stone, “Hey, ma,” I began how I usually do. “I’ve been a little confused lately.. I don’t know what I want, or who I want. But, I kinda fucked up, big time. Things had been great with Faline, but the moment I go back to college, everything was out of my control. I’m a loose nut that can’t be tightened,” I chuckle at my own choice of words, yet it finally triggers the tears that I had been holding back all day and a tear falls down one of my eyes but I wipe it away quickly. “I have a feeling you’d be disappointed. You raised a little boy well, but I’m not the man you probably hoped I would become,” more tears began to fall, “My little girl..” I pause, “Lucy is oblivious right now, but she’s so smart.. She’ll figure everything out as soon as she gets a little older. She’ll figure out that I should have nothing to do with her, but then what?” I wonder, shutting my eyes and rubbing the bridge of my nose.
“Jason?” A familiar voice goes through my ears and I quickly wipe my tears away in the dark, looking back and I see Anya is slowly making her way towards me. I’m happy to see her, but I know that she’s mad at me for whatever reason, so I don’t say anything until she walks up and stops next to me, “What are you doing here?” She asks, though I think it’s a stupid question.
“Visiting,” I reply with a monotone voice. There’s an awkward silence that I couldn’t stand, but I didn’t know what to say to her.
“What’s bothering you?” She eventually breaks the silence and asks, but I don’t want to tell her, not until she tells me why she’s ignoring me. It wasn’t a special occasion, nor was it either of our parents birthday, so whenever one of us would come here, something always had to be eating at our brains; something was bothering both of us.
“What’s bothering you?” I ask in return with a hint of aggravation. Anya turned her attention towards our parents graves, silence fell around us once more and I sighed. “Why can’t you just talk to me?” I wonder, though I’m still monotone and it barely even sounded like a question.
Anya still hesitated, taking a moment to think about her next words, “It’s really hard to talk about, Jason.. Especially with you,” she finally spoke up and I looked towards her, wondering what she could mean.
“Why me?” I asked, curious and now I really wanted to know what was bothering her; had I done something to piss her off? I couldn’t think of anything I had done besides that night I had told all my sisters the truth about Faline and Lucy, but I didn’t think she’d be mad at me this long for something like that.. Would she? It wasn’t like her at all to hold grudges.
“I don’t know, it just is,” she replies and looks to me, her eyes are sad and even through the dark, I can tell she had been crying.
“Come on, Anya.. We used to always talk. You’ve helped me in a lot of ways growing up, let me at least try to return the favor for once,” I admit. I had been a terrible brother, her and Hitomi raised me like our mother would’ve, but it was never the same; I turned into a very troubled child, which is where I am now, except now I’m a troubled man. No.. I’m still only a child, who am I kidding..
“Yeah.. Used to..” She emphasized the past tense and I sighed.
“Are you and Dwight doing okay?” I asked, watching as she looked to my fathers headstone and her expression went somewhat pained.
“I’m sorry, Jason.. It was wrong of me to walk out on you, Faline, and everyone that one night, but I just couldn’t take it,” she replied, her voice beginning to give out and tears welled up in her eyes. I grew worried as I looked to her, I hadn’t seen Anya cry tears of sadness ever since our parents had died; something must be really wrong..
“It’s okay.. I just wanted to know why, that’s all.. But, if it’s hard for you, then you don’t have to tell me, just forget I asked. I don’t want you to be upset,” I retorted, looking over her face a little again and I noticed she couldn’t fight the tears anymore, seeing a few fall from her eyes.
Anya ignored my words, continuing anyways, “I-I found a ring, in one of Dwight’s pockets when I was doing laundry about 2 months ago.. H-He was going to ask me to marry him, but..” Anya began and I was happy for her and Dwight, though the ‘but’ at the end of her sentence made my heart sink. “You know we work at the hospital.. And one day I wanted to get checked out to see if I was healthy. Dwight wants children so bad.. So bad.. But, I.. I can’t give him any,” she continued, and I was a little confused.
“Why not..? You’re crazy about him.. Do you not want to be with him anymore?” I wonder, watching as her tears got worse and she tried covering her face.
“It’s not that.. Mentally, emotionally, I want to give him as many as he wants, I want the same thing.. But, physically, I’m incapable. I’ll never get pregnant, Jason, ever. I’ll never be able to hold my own baby, one that I’ve created,” she continued and I understood now; she’s infertile. My heart sank even more, now into my stomach and I felt terrible for her; that’s why she couldn’t be around Faline, Lucy and I, she can’t have kids, and me already having one and now I’m having another.. Well, Lucy wasn’t mine.. But..
Dammit, a tear fell from my eye as well as I watched Anya cry, the most destroyed I had ever seen her. She cried more when our parents died, but I knew that she cared more about this than anything else now; she loved kids, always did, she was just like Mom.. Exactly like her. She loved children, was so kind and gentle, such a humble and forgiving person, and she had been cursed by being unable to have children? I felt like shit, I hated that I was capable of it and to her knowledge, I had already knocked up two different woman, to her she must’ve took it as rubbing it in her face.. I felt so sorry for her, I was crushed just as much as she was, just because I knew how much she wanted to experience being a mother; she was just like mom.. Just like her..
I turned towards Anya as she cried heavily by herself, pulling her into a tight hug and tears then fell from my eyes as well. Jesus.. Here I am in her eyes getting ‘so many’ girls pregnant, when she can’t even have one, no wonder she walked out that one night; I didn’t blame her at all for leaving. She had always talked about Helena, Hitomi’s girl.. Ever since she was born, I knew that Anya was jealous, she showed signs as far as not wanting to be by Helena one minute, resenting Hitomi therefore resenting Helena, but then again, every now and then she would hold Helena and almost refuse to give her up once she had her in her arms.. Once she met Dwight, though, her hopes skyrocketed and we all knew she couldn’t wait to marry him and she was ecstatic about possibly having a child with him soon. I.. I had no idea what to tell her, besides the obvious..
“Anya..” I said softly, my own voice quivering as I heard her bawling into my shoulder and clenching her fists, gripping my shirt tightly, “I-I’m.. S-So sorry..” I continued and more tears fell from my eyes, holding her tighter and I knew just by how hard she was letting it out, I was the first one to know about it. Hitomi and Julia might know, since my sisters talked with each other more than I talked with them, but by how she was acting, and how hard she was crying, I somehow knew that she came here to let it all out to Mom and Dad, like I wanted to do about Lucy, but we had found one another instead.
Surprisingly, Anya was able to control herself and she continued, talking into my shoulder, “Now that I told him.. Now that he knows I can’t have children, we’ve been getting into more and more fights that would normally never happen.. I-It’s.. It’s as if he’s looking for reasons to leave me instead of coming right now and saying it.. H-He doesn’t want me anymore, I can’t give him what we both want so bad, I can’t give him what he wants..” She continued and cried even more, and I hugged her even tighter, if I even could. My God, I never thought this would happen. I couldn’t describe the guilt and pity I had for Anya; I’d do anything to switch places with her.. Anything. She, out of anyone I know, deserves a child the most.. I can’t even describe what I’m feeling for her right now.. I can’t even imagine how she feels..
I was at a loss for words, all I wanted to do was go to the hospital and beat the living shit out of Dwight; he’d be lucky that he’d already be at a hospital to get treatment fast from the things I would do to him. Anya’s phone goes off and I feel her pull away from my hug, pulling out her phone and looking to it, tears still falling from her eyes and they splashed onto her phone. “I-I have to go, Jason.. I’m on call tonight and they need me,” she says, the frog still in her throat, “Thank you, for listening.. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?” She continues and I sigh.
“Anytime.. Take care..” I wanted her to stay, to talk to me more, give me more details, but I knew she had to go right to work, so I didn’t keep her from going.. I watched as she wiped her eyes and got rid of her tears and walked back towards the main gate, leaving the cemetery and I could’t help but wonder how her condition came to be; it was so rare and foreign, and so unfair..
I look back to my mothers grave and sigh heavily, knowing that she would be devastated to hear such news from Anya if she was still alive; I hate to admit it, but sometimes I feel like it’s better that she isn’t here to witness some of the things we’re going through. “Bye, ma,” I say softly, and although I had stopped crying already, from my own painful realization and also from Anya’s news, I fight back more tears as I walk away and back to my car. I left the graveyard feeling more depressed than I ever have, I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt like this.. Maybe when Mom died? I don’t know.. I can’t go home yet, it’s still early. I looked at my phone as I drove into the city, seeing that Faline had texted me, asking where I was since I had been home and dropped off Lucy. I haven’t answered her all day, not once; had I not dropped off Lucy she would still be under the assumption that I hadn’t even left the campus yet. I drove through the city, admiring my view and I searched for a good bar to go to to get a drink. Or seven.. After my night, no, the passed week and a day, have been difficult. I had drank since then, but I was ready to blackout everything, I needed to forget it all in order to act normally.. Whenever I decided to finally face Faline.
I got to a bar and there weren’t many people as of yet, seeing only a few people walking around and drinking, dancing, enjoying themselves as all I wanted to do was drink my depression away. The bartender was.. Okay looking, she wore too much makeup though; maybe it was for her job, but either way, I didn’t care for it. I asked her to make me a drink with vodka, something sugary; I always blackout from vodka, and sadly, I was desperately wanting to do that tonight.
Drink, after drink, after drink, I kept putting them down, one after the other. The bartender was hitting on me all night and I barely paid for anything, though I only flirted back to get some drinks for free. I felt like such a pussy for ordering nothing but stupid girl drinks, but it was the only thing I could think of getting that would get me hammered the quickest.
When did I get outside? What is this terrible green spot light on me? Where am I? No, I’m at the bar.. Did I pay my tab? The lights from the city are shining behind me and there aren’t any stars, I can see another city in the distance and I feel like the brightness of the horizon is three times as large as it is; its constantly swaying in my vision and I blink hard a few times, trying to focus but I can’t. Did someone say to me a little while ago that they would call me a cab? I can’t remember..
When did I get outside? ..Did I pay my tap? The same thoughts ran through my head over and over and my head was spinning. I could barely stand, gripping the side of the complex and I could feel the cold siding on my fingertips. I reached into my pocket and it seemed like it took ages to pull it out as my entire body continued to sway. A light was blinking green and I read a text message, or tried to.. After about 30 seconds of trying to get my eyes to focus, I managed to read the first few letters of the name, Fal, is all I could make out and I assumed it was Faline. My eyes then tried to read her text, but I couldn’t make out a single word, the light from the phone only hurting my eyes more and I grew even more dizzy.
“Jason?” I heard a voice call out my name a few times and I eventually turned around, seeing someone I didn’t know coming over to me and helping be towards the curb so I didn’t fall. I recognized the car, it was a taxi, I guess someone did call me one. “Where we goin’, buddy?” The driver asked and I slurred my words, but eventually told him where I lived as my head bobbed in that car.
The cab takes me home and it seemed as if I had just shut my eyes for no more than a few seconds and we were already at my house. I don’t even remember punching in the key code to open the gate, nor how I had managed to get out my keys and open the front door as well. My legs brought me straight to the kitchen and I looked at the clock hanging on the wall, but I couldn’t read it at all. I went to the fridge and opened it, looking inside and I noticed that there was beer in there still, grabbing one and popping off the top with my thumb effortlessly and I heard the cap hit the ground, but I wasn’t about to get on my hands and knees searching for it to throw it out.
I heard a noise downstairs and it sounded like the front door, looking to my phone and seeing that it was almost two in the morning and still I hadn’t received anything from Jason; was that him downstairs? I got out of bed and went to check, hearing a noise then coming from the kitchen and when I reached the doorway, I saw Jason sitting in one of the dining chairs, holding a beer and he seemed bothered. “Jason?” I questioned, watching as he turned his head slowly to look at me. From where I was standing, I could smell the alcohol coming off of him, his eyes looked bloodshot and tired, and he didn’t even answer me when I said his name. “Jason.. Where have you been? ..Are you drunk?” I question next and my expression is worried, watching as his body swayed a little as he sat and I was worried he might fall off of the chair.
As I went to go walk towards him, he instantly stood to his feet and I watched as he caught himself from falling, turning his back to me and drinking more of his beer; though I doubt he really needed any more. “Jason, why haven’t you talked to me all day? I was worried, I thought something might’ve happened to you,” I tried to talk with him once more.
“I-I’m fine.. As.. As you can see,” he replied in a rough manner and he slurred his words, struggling to talk to me.
“Is everything else okay?” I wondered, happy that he was alright, though I couldn’t help but wonder if something was bothering him to the point where it would drive him to get this drunk and ignore me. I watch him go to the counter and use it as a support to stand, “Did.. You wanna talk about anything?” I wonder as well.
“Jesus, how man-many questions are you going to ask!?” He suddenly raised his voice and set down his beer rather harshly onto the counter; I thought he was going to break it.
“Jason.. Please don’t speak to me that way. I know you’re, well.. Not yourself right now,” I reply, taking another step closer, though I don’t think that I should’ve.
“Really? What gave that away?” He asks sarcastically and turns his attention away from me, looking at the wall for all I knew and I was growing less tolerable to him by the second. I had never seen him this way before, completely plastered and easily angered, something had to be bothering him. The last time we had seen one another, he couldn’t bare to say goodbye and I knew he didn’t want to leave my side, but now, he seemed like he didn’t want anything to do with me.. I had expected seeing him for the first time in over a week, he would’ve acted different, more excited to see me, just as much as I was to see him.
“Don’t talk to me like that when I’m clearly only worried sick about you,” he continues to ignore me and I feel as if he didn’t even hear the words I had just said, “So you’re ignoring me now, Jason? Really mature.. Is this the kind of behavior you’re going to use when the baby gets here?” I asked, getting frustrated a little.
Jason looks to me and I knew I hit a nerve when I had said that, his expression turns angered and he makes his way over to me as he answers, “Jesus! Isn’t it, a li-little obvious that I don’t want to fucking talk to you right now?!” He yells and my eyes widen in shock, taking a step back as he approaches me.
“And stop saying my fucking name! You sound like a fucking broken record!” He adds and I didn’t know what to say to him, I was in shock that he would act this way towards me when I had just experienced him a week ago not being able to leave me, or let go of me; all I wanted when I saw him was for him to maybe tell me that he had missed me, I wanted to embrace him like we always used to do.
After that, I didn’t say anything else, I kept my mouth shut in fear of him only getting more enraged. I had never seen Jason become violent before, and he’s never given me a reason to be scared of him, but the look in his eyes tonight did just that; they scared me. I bowed my head and he walked passed me in a hurry, fed up with me I assumed and I wanted to know why he was acting like this so badly. Had I done something? I did text him a few times today, and call him, but I don’t think I came off as annoying.. It’s not like I called him every five minutes, but every few hours I would ask for an update on when he would be home; I was so, so excited to see him. I woke up from my nap earlier to the sound of Lucy through the baby monitor and I thought that Jason would be around somewhere in the house as well, but he wasn’t, he had just dumped Lucy on me and left. With every fiber of my being, I wanted to know what was running through his head, I wanted to know what could’ve triggered this in him, but then again, I couldn’t shake the thought that maybe something else was wrong with him.. Was I the problem?