This was it. I was done for. Here I thought nothing was going to happen.. I thought I could just ignore what I had done, but I was wrong. I couldn’t even figure out for myself what I had done or why I had done it. I know my father drove me to lash out, but he was never there.. He never was all of those times. It was just.. Me. How could I have been so angry to completely forget who I was talking to? Mrs. Hughes didn’t deserve what I had done to her, she didn’t deserve it at all. I wonder what was going through her mind when I was.. When I..
I don’t know how I was able to fall asleep that night knowing all that I had done. Maybe I exhausted myself to sleep for how hard I was crying, with how hard I was trying to forget it, with how hard I was trying to act like nothing happened. It all caught up to me in the end though. The police barged into my home the next day. I remember lying in my bed after I had woken up to the sound of the police pounding on the door, they must’ve somehow turned off the front gate and overrode the settings, letting themselves in without so much as ringing the buzzer. The sound of the police pounding on the door echoed through the walls and even without being downstairs right then and there to answer it, the pounding was just as loud as I laid on my bed. I knew everyone was downstairs in the kitchen having breakfast without me like they had become accustom to doing and I knew that they didn’t even give enough time for Bennu to walk from the kitchen to the front door before I heard them bust in. I was surprisingly calm as I laid there, knowing what was coming, ready to accept what I had done and be arrested, but still.. I woke up exactly how I had fallen asleep, tears in my eyes and soaking my pillow. I ruined my life. I did this to myself. As much as I was trying my hardest to avoid everything, to avoid letting this darkness take me over, I failed. ..Horribly.
I could hear Bennu downstairs yelling at them, though I couldn’t make out her words clearly. I could also hear Lucy protesting to their barge in along with Gareth, too, assuming Bahiti and Gibson were too in shock to know how to react. I heard their footsteps climbing up the stairs as well as all throughout the house, no doubt searching for me. There was a heavy pound on the door to my bedroom and I didn’t bother getting up, I knew what was coming no matter what I would do, so I chose to stay in bed. I laid there for as long as they would let me. I laid there starring at the ceiling, thinking back on everything that I had done with my life, with my children, with my whole family.. Despite everything that had happened, it was a good life, at least as good of a life that I myself could’ve lived. I didn’t deserve any better, in my mind I was even beneath my wife and children, they were too good for me to have..
Back at the house, I shut my eyes when the door was busted open, taking one last whiff of the bedroom, filling my mind with thoughts of my beautiful wife and trying to put myself somewhere else, anywhere else. One last good memory before they take me away.. I heard guns being drawn on me and someone telling me to get on the ground with my hands behind my head, but I didn’t want to move. I opened my eyes and was ripped away from my good memory when a few officers pulled me off the bed and threw me to the floor, pinning me and pulling my hands behind my back to cuff me. They pulled me from my home, reading me my rights. I looked to my children as I was escorted out, one by one, seeing Bahiti crying, Gibson trying to comfort her, Gareth and Lucy yelling at the officers telling them to let me go, asking what I had done to deserve this.. The only eye contact I made was with Bennu and she just watched in horror, I could tell by reading her face that she knew I had done something terrible, but refusing to believe it was anything to this magnitude. Oh, how wrong she was..
The door opened to the silent room I was in, no windows, no nothing.. Just a place for me to stew in my head. I heard the door shut behind whoever had entered and I didn’t bother looking up, I already knew who it was..
“Is this where you expected to end up?” Detective Reed Grander wondered, but I didn’t reply. “You know.. I always suspected something was off about you. Given your family history, in my mind something was bound to happen eventually.. It was just a matter of time,” he continued. I still didn’t bother to say anything, keeping my gaze upon the top of the lonely table. “Nothing to say I see.. Is there a reason you’re so tight lipped right now? I’d think that you’d be trying your hardest to maybe explain yourself so you could get outta here.. Tell me you didn’t do it.. Anything really. But, it seems like you’re not doing that because you actually did it, am I wrong?”
“You sound like you’ve figured it all out already, so why even try..?” I barely asked, “What’s the point of trying to squirm my way out of this when I know exactly what happened and why I did it.. But, even if I told you, you’d never believe me.. And I’d never get myself out of what I put myself in.. So, again, what’s the point?” I continued, looking up to him finally and making eye contact.
“You look different.. Older. More worn down..” He replied.
“So do you..” I retorted.
I heard him let out a soft chuckle before continuing, “What’s the matter, Jason? We’ve been through a lot together already. Why are you holding back?”
“I’m not holding back anything.. I’m just not saying certain things because I know none of it would make sense to you, and I would still be in the same place that I am now.. Besides, shouldn’t I be in a prison outfit? That’s where I’m going, am I not?” I asked with anger in my undertone.
“Well, that’s simple.. When you were in the holding cell, don’t you remember rambling on and on about your father? Telling us that he was the one that made you do this? You had a pretty violent outburst, too, while in there. You needed to be sedated.”
“I.. I don’t remember that..” I replied.
“Oh, you don’t remember screaming that your father, who’s been dead for over 35 years, was the one that told you to kill Mrs. Elaine Hughes?” He asked, though I could sense the sarcasm in his tone.
“No, I don’t remember that.. And I didn’t say that, I know it.. He didn’t tell me to kill her.. I was..” I stopped, realizing he was trying his best to get me confused, trying to get me to blurt everything out, but it was harder than he made it seem. “He didn’t tell me to kill her..” I repeated.
“Then what did he do? What did you do? You acted alone then? Of your own free will? Your fingerprints are everywhere, the bruises on her neck are a match to your hand size and you have faint marks on your wrists under those handcuffs that are a sign of a struggle.. She tried so hard to get you to stop, what kept you from stopping? Surely she was screaming, or at least trying to.. You didn’t hear it, or did you ignore it?” He asked.
“Like I said.. It’s too hard to explain and you’d never believe me..” I replied, turning my head to the left and looking to the wall that I knew was a two way mirror, wondering who was on the other side listening in.
“I have all the time in the world to try and understand where you’re coming from.. And you have all the time in the world, too, to try and explain yourself.. Why’d you kill her?”
“I didn-” I stopped, knowing by how he was responding already that even if we were here for weeks, he could never put himself in my shoes for even but a moment. “I wasn’t trying to kill her..”
“Then who? Who were you trying to kill?”
“..I told you.. You’d never be able to understand..” I replied quietly.
“Try me..” He challenged, yet it didn’t come off as such. It was as if he actually wanted to know, as if he wanted to sympathize for me. But, who was I kidding.. Even if I did tell him the whole truth, everything from the beginning, I’d still end up in the same place. I’d still end up rotting in a cell, or worse, rotting in a room surrounded by white padded walls.
“I just want to see my family..” I ignored his proposal, seeing his expression turning rather reluctant and he shook his head.
“No.. That’s not an option right now, Jason.. You can already assume that you have no visiting rights right now given the degree of what you’ve done. There’s honestly no telling what could happen. So, I’m sorry to say, but you won’t be seeing any of them anytime soon,” he replied and my heart dropped in the pit of my stomach.
“I can’t see my own wife!?” I called out angrily. I knew I was in more trouble than I could handle, but all I wanted to do was talk to my wife.. I wanted to explain myself to her more than I did to the detective.
“No, sorry.. You can’t,” he replied, “You’re in confinement.. You’re not allowed visitors, you’re too dangerous and I can’t risk the lives of your family..”
“You really think that I would hurt her?” I asked, my tone quiet and filled with grief. I waited for a response from him, but didn’t receive one, “Do you really think I’d harm any of my children?”
“I honestly don’t know what to think right now, Jason.. You haven’t told me a single thing yet. You just keep saying how I won’t understand, no one can understand what you did or why, but that’s what I’m here to figure out.. In my eyes right now, in everyone’s eyes, you’re a murderer. You killed your daughter’s grandmother, and now that I look back on a few things, I even have reason to believe that you might have even killed her mother.. You remember Lana, don’t you? Your two’s past was pretty rocky, was it not?”
“I..” My voice stopped. I was going to stick up for myself, deny me killing Lana, but I couldn’t.. I just couldn’t say the words. They already have evidence of me killing Mrs. Hughes, what’s the point of denying Lana’s death when I’m going to get life in prison, anyways? What’s one more murder? Either way I look at it, even if I were to get off in fifteen or so years, no one would feel the same regardless. Lucy would still hate me, she’ll probably never talk to me again.. Bahiti will be too scared of me.. Gareth and Gibson will either be grief stricken, angry and appalled, or worse, inspired by my actions.. And Bennu? Who knew. I assumed she would most likely want a divorce. Even if she still wanted to be with me, there’s no telling what could happen should I ever be let out. What if it was her I was talking to instead of Mrs. Hughes? Would I have done the same thing? Would my mind have gone to my father again? In the end, I guess the Detective was right, there is something wrong with me. The detective was right, too, to question whether or not I might hurt my own family.. Even if I had no intention of hurting them, there’s no telling what I would do. There’s no telling what could happen.
“You.. What?” Detective wondered, wanting me to continue where I had stopped myself.
“I, um..” I began again, adjusting myself a little and the sound on the handcuffs around my wrists jingled a little, constantly keeping me from thinking of anything else. I fidgeted, I didn’t know what to do with my hands or any part of my body, there was nothing I could do that he wouldn’t pay attention to. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I didn’t even think that there was anything for me to be concerned about. I had a pretty normal life for the most part.. Well, no.. That’s a lie. My life has never been normal, or easy, the farthest from it, actually..” I continued, letting out a pathetic chuckle at myself.
“I don’t think anyone really has an easy life. Or at least if it comes off as such, they’re lying to themselves,” Detective Grander replied.
“I’ve been seeing things my whole life. When I was a boy, I saw a dog, one that I’m convinced my father had killed in cold blood.”
“Like a ghost?”
“I guess.. Yeah, like a ghost.. After my father had blown up our old house and killed himself and my mother, I never saw the dog again. After I had found out about the birth of my daughter from my wife now, I started seeing my father. Bennu and I had gotten into a fight, or rather, she kicked me out of her apartment when I told her about Faline and my other children. I went to the cemetery like I always do when I’m upset. I go there to vent to my mother, but of course not literally.. I talk to her headstone. I didn’t even believe it myself at first when I saw my father there. He showed up only a few times as the years passed, mostly only when I was angry or sad. But, it became more and more frequent to the point where it was every day.. Once, twice, maybe even three times. I talked to him more than I talked to wife and children and he was never even there. I regret a lot of things in my life, but I could never regret the choices I made that led up to each of my children. They’re the only thing I’m ever completely sure about.”
“Do you regret killing Lana and her mother?” He asked and I widened my eyes as I felt anger built up inside of me.
“I never admitted to that!” I called out, “You’re putting words in my mouth when I’m just trying to explain myself!”
“What are you explaining yourself for if you claim you didn’t do anything wrong?” He wondered and I sighed harshly, he knew exactly what he was doing and even with me trying to hardest to avoiding a confession, it seems that I’ve already said too much anyways.
“Fine! You want to hear it? I killed Lana! I killed her mother, too! Lana had it fucking coming because she was a controlling, jealous bitch who only wanted my money, lied about Lucy being my daughter and then threatening to take her away from me when I had done everything in my power to keep them provided for! Mrs. Hughes didn’t deserve what I did, though! I never wanted to hurt her, I went to her for help, for Christ’s sake and look what I did!” I blurted out, “My father wasn’t the one who told me to kill them, I killed Lana myself, it wasn’t until a few days later that I remembered what I had done.. I had blacked out. I should’ve turned myself in, but how could I? I had Lucy and the twins to take care of at the time. If I had turned myself in, Lucy would’ve had no one but her real dead beat father who didn’t even fucking want her..”
I continued my angry rant, “Mrs. Hughes should still be alive, though, I regret what I did to her more.. The few times I’ve gone to her, she liked to put me under, hypnotize me.. But, this time when she did it, I woke up in a different state, everything felt heavy, it was this indescribable presence that made me uncomfortable. But, when I looked to where Mrs. Hughes was sitting, it wasn’t her.. It was my father..”
“So, was it Mrs. Hughes talking as your father, or was it his own words? You’re own words?” He asked.
“It was him..”
“And what did he say?”
“I’d rather not repeat his words..” I somewhat requested, feeling uncomfortable telling him that I had thoughts of killing my own sons, even after praising them so much in front of the detective.
“Well, I suppose I don’t really need to know, seeing as it still wouldn’t change where you’re going,” the Detective replied.
I looked to him once more and swallowed hard, “Where am I going?”
“I guess there’s no easy way of saying this, but you’re going to be living in a facility that helps people like you. There’s clearly something amiss, you’re not just some guy who goes around killing people for pleasure or just for the hell of it. You need to be rehabilitated, get your anger in check and also your head.. I don’t know how long you’ll be there, that’s up to your progress, I suppose.. But, hey, at least it’s not prison,” he replied. I was in shock, I always knew there was something wrong with me, I always knew subconsciously that I wasn’t all there in the head, but hearing it outright like that and it being spoken of so bluntly from him hit me like a brick wall.
“What, like an.. An asylum?” I questioned, watching him stand there without a response, “Will I at least get to see my family before I go?”
“Maybe.. I like you, Jason, even despite what you’ve done. You seem like a really good guy who just can’t control himself.. I’ll see if I can put in a good word for you so you can see them before you go, I make no promises though..”
“Oh.. All right, thanks, I guess.. Um, when will I go? Where is it?”
“Pretty soon, probably within the next few days. You’ll be in a holding cell by yourself until we can transfer you, so you won’t have to worry about other people and so we don’t have to worry about you hurting anyone else. And where you’re headed is a little place just outside of the town Lucky Palms, Arizona. Only a few hours from here. It’s nice, a good place for people to heal.”
I hung my head and starred at my lap, this was all a little hard to take in and accept, but I assumed it was the best for me. He was right, I’m not a man that craves blood or craves killing people, it just happens.. I was the last thing on my mind, I didn’t care what happened to me, all I wanted was my family to not have to be put through this, but there was no avoiding it now. I already made their lives harder because of what I had done. I had made their lives more complicated and there was no way for me to avoid it. As much as I had tried to steer myself clear of making problems, things only got worse.
“Everything is going to be fine, Jason.. Just have a positive attitude and be open to change, have an open mind about going to this place so you can get help so that you don’t have to live your whole life there without the ones you love most,” the Detective continued, but I still continued to hang my head in shame. There was so much for me to do in order to help myself get better, but I still couldn’t help in thinking how my family is going to react to hearing the truth and everything that I had done. Nothing was ever going to be the same again.
“Thank you, Detective..”
“I.. I don’t know. I just feel like it needed to be said.”
There was a long silence before he finally answered me, “Good luck with everything, Jason..” He replied, turning around then and making his way out of the room.
I slowly shut my eyes and tried to take a few long, deep breathes. I needed to keep my wits about me now more than ever. Keep quiet, keep calm, just breathe.. But, how can I keep calm when I’m going to an asylum? How is being around crazy people supposed to help me? I’m not crazy, I just.. I see things. Things that aren’t real and aren’t there.. That doesn’t make someone crazy, right? Well, I guess apparently to them it does. What the hell is my family going to think?
Lucy is never going to forgive me.. Never. Bahiti will always be frightened of me, she’s already quiet enough as it is. Such a sweet and innocent girl being forced to deal with a father that’s been committed of murder. I can’t possibly think what’s going through the minds of my boys.. If they’ve done things similar already, which I still was never completely sure about, are they going to take after me like I did with my father and the fathers before them? I was unsure about the boys, but I knew my girls will never get over this. And Bennu.. I’ve never loved someone as much as I love her. She’s my everything, and I’ll most likely lose her because of everything I’ve done. No matter how I look at it, I’ll always be alone now. No one can save me now, not even myself.
I put my arms up on the table and leaned over, my arms supporting my weight as I sat there and let it all sink in, “This was it..” I quietly told myself.
“I’ll always be here for you, Jason.”
End of Generation 2.