I was so tired this morning. Last night, Riley and I had sex for the first time, then a couple more times, but only because I was lucky enough to find more condoms in the glove compartment of my car, and we ended up falling asleep around three in the morning. But, man, how tired I felt this morning was worth it. Last night couldn’t have turned out any better. Her bed was so comfortable and I didn’t want to move, even though I woke up about ten minutes ago. I woke up without Riley next to me, but I could hear clattering downstairs in her kitchen and I knew that she was still here, at least. I guess she’s a morning person.
Her sheets and bedding smelled like fresh laundry and a hint of something berry, probably rubbing off onto the fabric from the perfume she wore or the shampoo she used, but the sweet scent is also what made me so reluctant to get out of her bed. Every time I lifted my head and put it back down onto the pillow, the scent would fill my nose again from escaping the pillow. I couldn’t get enough of the smell of it. But, that delicate smell was eventually taken away from me and replaced with the warm, calming aroma of fresh coffee and I figured I should probably get up now. My clothes were still scattered all over her floor and I couldn’t help the coy grin that crept over my lips, the sight of the disorganization forcing me to think about everything that happened last night all over again and I especially enjoyed waking up completely naked.
I sat on the edge of her bed, rubbing my face to help wake myself up a little more and I grabbed my underwear that was under my foot. I stood up and slid them up my legs, looking over the railing and seeing Riley in the kitchen, her back facing me and getting things out of the fridge to perhaps start making some sort of breakfast. She wore a short bathrobe that showed off her amazing legs and I couldn’t wait to get downstairs to check and see if she was naked under it.
I walked through her room and quietly down the stairs, not trying to hide my steps from her, but somehow she didn’t hear them and I propped myself against the ladder that went up to a quiet living area I hadn’t been to yet. I stared at her, watching her bleach blonde hair that was still in a bun bounce whenever she took a step. I stretched out my neck to help get a better look at her legs and when she opened a cabinet to reach up high for coffee cups, I stared at the bottom creases of her ass that I caught glimpses of peaking out from under her robe. God, she was so sexy without even trying to be.
“Jesus!” She said as her whole body shook in a gentle fright when she happened to glance behind her, “You scared the hell outta me,” she added when she noticed me standing there, turning back towards the counter as she got our coffee cups ready.
“Sorry.. Didn’t mean to,” I replied with a coy smile, unable to get rid of it as I walked over towards her and stood behind her.
“How do you take your coffee?” She asked, reaching for sugar and milk and pulling it towards the cups as she waited for my answer. I slid my hands over her hips, pressed the front of myself against the back of her and pulled her close from behind.
“No milk.. Plenty of sugar, though. Make it as sweet as you are,” I flirted.
“Okay, you said you weren’t tryin’ to be cheesy last night, but that line definitely was,” she said with a soft giggle and I kissed the back of her neck as I held her, “And I still don’t know how much sugar that is, exactly,” she implied she needed more direction, but I made her put the sugar down and I turned her around to face me.
Riley looked at me as if she was surprised, but she knew exactly what I wanted. I leaned in more and put my hands on her hips, her expression quickly going softer and I leaned in to press my lips against hers. I kissed her for a long moment, massaging our lips together and I could feel her body weakening under me. I both hated and loved how I couldn’t get enough of her. There was just something about her that drove me crazy and I could barely contain myself around her. After ending the kiss abruptly, needing to explore her more, my lips went straight to her chin and I kissed down to her neck.
“Do you ever turn off?” She asked with a soft giggle after her words and I chuckled into her neck before pulling away.
“Nope. And I never will if you keep looking this damn good,” I replied softly, kissing her skin as my hands found their way to the tie that kept her robe closed to undo it.
“Lucaaa,” she wined softly with a smile on her lips, pulling me away from her neck as she turned around within my arms and continued attempting to make coffee for the two of us, denying me the ability to take her robe off, “I have to be at the salon in an hour to open. I need to make breakfast and shower and get ready to go,” she insisted, pulling the coffee mugs closer and my hands traveled up the front of her body.
“You don’t need to make anything, I’ll grab you something on the way to dropping you off.. And we can always conserve water and shower together?” I suggested as one of my hands ventured up to cup her breast and the other slid down towards her stomach, but I was denied again when she took hold of my hands and removed them from exploring her body.
“No, you’ll just make me late.. Plus, I’m a little sore from last night.. I didn’t know my legs could stretch like that,” she said with another giggle and I laughed softly as I buried my face in the crook of her neck and placed my hands back onto the counter top around her.
“When you say things like that, it only makes me want you again more,” I replied with a slight whine to my tone, kissing her shoulder and her neck.
“Luca, I’m serious,” her words matched her tone and she turned around to face me again, “I need to get to work and you’re only goin’ to make me late. I have an appointment at exactly ten so I need to get there at nine forty five and prep the station I’m workin’ on her at,” she then glanced to the clock and sighed, “And I don’t have an hour anymore.. Now I only have forty five minutes,” she pressed on and I sighed.
“All right, all right.. I’m sorry.. I’ll go get dressed and get out of your hair,” I answered, pulling myself away from her, but she stopped me by grabbing my wrist.
“No, Luca, that’s not what I meant.. You’re not a burden or anything being here. You’re just.. Really distracting,” she said with a sweet smirk as she pulled me back towards her, “I just have work, my own business, that I need to take care of. It’s not good if I’m late to my own clients.. You wouldn’t want to be late to one of yours with your client, right?” She wondered and I couldn’t help but smirk back.
“No, no, you’re right.. I-” I stopped for a moment, my smirk fading off of my lips when I remembered I had an appointment today, too, “Fuck! I totally spaced that I have an appointment today!” I panicked and she giggled as I ran away from her to go back upstairs and grab my clothes.
I nearly tripped running up the stairs and I grabbed my pants, slipping those up my legs quickly without even worrying about the zipper or button, then grabbed my shirt and threw that on, too. I didn’t bother with my blazer, leaving it on the floor by the bed and I grabbed my shoes. I slipped on one, then bounced on one foot towards the stairs as I struggled to put on the other and when I had, I raced down the stairs back to Riley.
I spoke quickly, “Hey, so.. Shit, uhm.. I’m sorry I can’t have coffee or breakfast with you or give you a ride, but-”
“No, no, I get it. Go, go. I’d hate for you to be late on my account,” she encouraged with a smile and a wave of her hand and I nodded. She then looked down and grabbed the rim of my pants and I raised my brow.
“Oh, now you wanna do that?” I teased.
“Oh, hush,” she said with a giggle, “I’m buttonin’ and zippin’ up your pants,” she pointed out and I chuckled, reaching up and putting my hands on her hips.
“All right, well, uh.. Last night was.. Just-” I shook my head in amazement as I remembered it and she shied away her eyes with a blush in her cheeks, “-Amazing.. I had a lot of fun with you and I just really liked the whole day with you.. Dinner, the movie, talking.. The sex.. Multiple times,” I pointed out and I could see how red her face got.
“Oh, my God, Luca, shut uuuup,” she whined, completely embarrassed and I laughed softly at how cute she was.
“Would you wanna do something later? Or maybe tomorrow, or.. Something?” I asked and she nodded without hesitation.
“Yeah, sure. I’ll call you soon and we’ll figure somethin’ out,” she suggested.
“Cool, uhm.. All right, well, I’ll see you later.. Have a good day at work.”
“Yeah, you, too,” she replied and I smiled, leaning in and kissing her for a long, long moment before pulling away and racing for the door to get to my car.
I lied.. I couldn’t figure out why I just lied to her. It seemed like the only option for whatever reason. As much as I enjoyed sleeping over and having a great time with Riley, my first reaction was to get the hell out of there. I couldn’t tell if I was still going in the pattern I have been with other girls or if it was something else. Something deeper that was a new fear of mine entirely. On my drive home, I felt a certain weight being lifted off of my shoulders the further I got from her house, but a new weight was settling in on me that I couldn’t pinpoint what it was exactly. Whatever it was, it settled into the pit of my stomach and sat there until I got home.
After parking my car and heading inside, I pulled out my phone for the first time since yesterday and I had a few texts from Pia that went ignored for good reason, I had been a little preoccupied, but instead of texting her back, I thought I’d check if she was home first. I looked around the kitchen and living room for her before trying her bedroom, knocking on her door after not seeing her in the other rooms and I heard her make some type of noise, indicating I could come in and I opened the door.
“Hey,” I announced, seeing her sitting on her bed and still in her pajamas.
“Heeyyy,” she implied something with her drawn out tone and I smiled, “You didn’t come home last night.”
“Nope. I ended up sleeping over at Riley’s,” I replied, coming in and sitting down on the edge of her bed and she was taken back a moment, trying to process my words.
“Wait, really?! You guys finally-?”
“Luca, that’s so awesome! How was it? Tell me everything!”
I chuckled softly at her excited reaction, “Well, we ate dinner and watched a movie, then as I was about to leave, she didn’t want me to go yet. She just.. Took her shirt off and everything quickly escalated from there,” I gave a brief explanation, but of course that wasn’t good enough.
“Oh, come on. I need more details than that and you know it,” she pried, “Can’t you at least tell me if her tits are real? Because those things are out of this world,” she continued and I laughed.
“Really? That’s your first question?” I asked and she nodded excitedly, “Okay.. Well, yeah, they are.”
“I knew it,” she exclaimed, as if proud of herself for guessing correctly, “But, really, though, how was it? I mean, after everything we found out about her, I can’t imagine it was wild and crazy sex,” she assumed.
“Well, you’re right, it was nothing crazy. It was nice.. Really nice, actually.. After the first time, we ended up doing it two more times,” I admitted and she gave an impressed smirk.
“Damn, Luca, your first time together turned into your first three times together.. Is your dick magic or something?” She asked and I laughed again.
“I dunno, I’m just saying, I didn’t expect you guys to do it so many times for your first encounter. She doesn’t strike me as a person that would do something like that,” she answered simply with a shrug.
“Maybe it is magic then,” I joked and she chuckled.
“Sorry if this is a little straight forward, but.. You seem less excited than I thought you’d be. And a shitload less braggy,” she pointed out.
“I’m not braggy after I have sex with a girl..”
“Wow.. Yes, yes you are. Even if we’re eating, you spare no details and sometimes I can’t even finish my breakfast with the details you give. But, now, you seem like you don’t want to share too much. I’ve never witnessed you holding back this much.”
“Well, maybe I don’t want to be disrespectful.. She’s my girlfriend, not some random chick you guys are never going to see again.”
“Good point, I guess.. So, you guys made love then?” She assumed and I was completely thrown off by her words.
“-Was the first position missionary?” She guessed and I didn’t answer her, “So that’s a yes. Did you make a lot of eye contact?” Again, I didn’t answer, “Okay, so, yes.. Anddd were you asking her how she wanted it the whole time? Making her comfortable? Kissing passionately?”
“It wasn’t like that the other two times..” I tried to defend, although, I didn’t know what I was defending.
“Were you in positions for those where you could still see each other’s faces?” Yet again, I didn’t answer because she was right, “See? You made love. What’s the big deal in admitting that?”
“I.. I don’t know, it just.. It sounds so-”
“-Personal? Which is something that you’re not used to? Look, I get that you want to have this persona about you that’s this amazing lay and a player and all that, but you need to start opening yourself up a little more to the possibility that you really like this girl, and that’s okay to say out loud. I’m your best friend, you don’t need to try and fool me by being this guy that doesn’t have a heart. Just because I met you when you had this reputation doesn’t mean you need to keep it up and you can’t change. Change is good, especially for you,” she explained and I was curious as to why she used those words.
“Why especially for me?”
“Well, because.. You know.. You hung onto a girl for years that broke your heart, so you put up this huge barrier just so you wouldn’t be hurt like that again. But, now that you found someone that’s genuine and you really like, it’s okay to bring down that wall a bit and be human again. You should open yourself up a little more now that you have someone again that cares this much about you, and who you obviously care about, too. Sometimes people will go their entire lives without having the privilege of saying they’ve made love with someone instead of just boning. Love is something to be proud of and embrace, not run away from,” she continued and I shook my head.
“Okay, hold up, no one said anything about love,” I tried to stop her from delving deeper into this.
“Yeah, but.. It’s kinda obvious,” she said with another shrug.
“That you, you know.. Might love this girl,” she guessed and I sighed.
“Just because our first time was passionate doesn’t mean it was love making, and just because that it happened that way doesn’t mean I love her.”
“All right, true, but.. Once you fall, you fall hard, Luca. I know you. When I see you acting this way, it’s very out of the ordinary because the last time I saw you like this, you were in love and happy with-”
“Don’t..” I stopped her from saying my ex’s name.
“Sorry.. But, can’t you see why I think this? Can’t you see it, too?” She asked, her expression serious with a hint of happiness in her eyes and I didn’t know what to say.
“Look, I get it.. You don’t have to admit it and I know damn well you don’t want to, because you probably feel like once you do, everything’s going to turn to shit like it did last time. But, you gotta learn to open yourself up again and have the potential of finding love again. I don’t know if you guys might break up eventually or one day get married and have seven babies, but, you also gotta learn to let go of the past and not let it hold you back from being happy. It’s torturous to play with your own emotions like that and you’re going to drive yourself crazy if you do,” she explained more and I knew she was right. I was already starting to feel the repercussions of denying how much I liked Riley. I left her house this morning because I lied about needing to be somewhere.. Did I do that just to run away from how much fun I had with her and how much I liked being with her? ..From how much I might love her?
“You’re not wrong,” I admitted quietly.
“I know,” she said with a proud smile and I chuckled softly.
“And.. Maybe you’re right, too, about me not wanting to admit it. Like, if I say it out loud, the universe is going to rub it’s hands together and figure out a plan to fuck it all up..”
“Do you want it to?” She asked and shook my head.
“No.. But, I shouldn’t hide from it, either.. I.. I like her. I like her a lot, and.. I think we did make love,” I admitted and I felt that undistinguished weight from before starting to lift from my shoulders.
“See? How did that feel saying it out loud?”
“A little intimidating, but.. Good,” I said softly, my lips beginning to curl into a slight smile, but once Pia noticed my tone, I regretted it immediately.
“Awwww, Luca’s in looooove!” She teased.
“Pia, shut up, I am not,” I continued to defend.
“Then why haven’t you been looking at me?” She teased more, but I was getting nervous by the fact that I actually might be. Maybe that’s why I practically ran away from Riley this morning.
“Listen, Luca, all’s I’m saying is that I think you need this,” Pia explained, “I mean.. You obviously have strong feelings for her.. So..? Why is that so scary to admit? You know I won’t judge you.. You don’t always need to be this guy that gets every damn woman that lays eyes on you.. You can be taken, and you can be loved.. Why do you have the look of horror on your face whenever you think about the fact that you might love her back..?” She questioned, but I didn’t answer as I dropped my gaze to the floor.
“And, hey.. Forgive me if this is too far, but,” she hesitated for a moment, “Just because someone likes you as much as Alani did, doesn’t mean it’s going to end in tragedy.. When you put yourself in a position that you, yourself, sets you up for disaster, it is going to end in disaster, if you keep up that mind-set.. Let yourself open up again.. You’re still going to be the amazing heart-breaker that we all know you as, but.. Who says that that’s your mold? You do.. So, just change that.. Love her.. Give it a chance.. Alani is nothing but the past.. Riley is something new and great and exciting and you obviously like her enough to love her eventually, if you don’t already, so, just.. Do that. It’s okay to,” Pia ended and a part of me felt ashamed, feeling as if I’ve held myself back this entire time from giving Riley all that I was because, yeah, I think I was still hung up on Alani and what she did to me and I’d never admit that out loud, but.. She was right.. That was years ago.. That was in the past and Riley was my now. She’s my new rock and I shouldn’t hold back from that.. But.. Pia even as simply bringing up Alani still provoked my old feelings for her.. She, and now Riley, too, had the strong capability of clouding my mind and my judgement.
“Maybe.. Maybe you’re right.. I do love..” It was still hard for me to say, “I do.. Love.. Riley.. Or, at least I think I do.. I just.. I.. It’s still hard for me to say in a complete sentence without stammering a bit,” I admitted more.
“And that’s not a problem,” Pia chimed in, “You can be unsure about something, but you can also say it out loud, at the same time, to test out how you actually do feel about it.. How does it feel, saying that you love her?” She inquired. It made me nervous, but..
“I.. I guess that, yeah.. I do love her.. But.. Is it bad of me to say that I don’t love her as much as I once loved Alani?” I was desperately seeking advice now.. Things just got serious. Two minutes ago, I couldn’t care what she thought, but ever since her words stopped being playful, all of this came crashing down on me and I didn’t know what was right and wrong, but, still.. I still needed guidance for my own feelings.. I couldn’t do this on my own.
“..I, well.. To me, no one is ever going to compare to your first love, or your first time, or all that nonsense bullshit.. But, Luca.. You were lucky enough to have love right off the bat.. Well, at least you thought it was love-”
“-It was,” I cut her off, seriously, and she took another moment to gather her next words.
“..Well, even Tav and I have been through that, too.. Not our own, in this instance, but yours.. And, please don’t take that personally-”
“-No, no.. I understand.. Just say what you want to,” this was open grounds now.. Grounds that I hardly ever opened, and she knew that, so she knew her next words were going to be dissected by me and not just thrown out as rubbish.
“No judge?” Pia made sure I was okay with it again, and I nodded, “Okay, well.. We all came into Freshman year together new, even Alani, and we’ve always been your friends.. We’ve always been there for you, but.. I don’t mean to speak ill about your first fling, or.. Love.. Whatever it was, but.. I mean, come on, Luca.. You only dated for a year..? Sure, she was your first, but.. Everyone has that experience, right? We all have a first, but, it ends, you know..? And, I’m sorry if this is harsh, but.. It does end..” She shrugged helplessly, “I’m not speaking ill of her on purpose, but.. She left.. Out of nowhere.. It’s been seven, almost eight years now, Luca.. What are you holding onto? What do you want me to say that I haven’t said already when she left?” Pia asked, and she had a good point that I couldn’t deny.. Alani has been gone for so long and has never made contact with me since then that made we realize we were nothing anymore, so what was I holding onto?
“What I mean, is.. What are you so scared of? Riley is here for you now.. She’s here for you.. She likes you, a lot, and even though you’ve said to me that you love her, you’re worried as if she’s already heard it through the grapevine and she’s going to suddenly stop liking you back or just leave because you’ve admitted it out loud.. That’s my point.. You’re afraid to admit to it anyone else because you think that it’s going to become an ‘Alani’ situation all over again.. But, Luca, you already told her about Alani at the dock, you told Tav and I that she was fine with it.. Riley is your new Alani.. Embrace it.. You love her and, honestly, I think that she’s loved you before you even said you loved her today, so.. Tell her,” she said with a shrug, making it as simple as she could, and it was just that simple, it really was, but my mind couldn’t grip the complexity.. I just couldn’t.
“I.. I get where you’re coming from, but.. I just.. I don’t know how to describe it.. I get that everyone has their ‘first’ for everything, but.. What I can’t get over is that there was never a true end to it.. I never got broken up with, I never broke up with her.. It’s almost as if we’re still together, been together, this whole time, because there was no end.. No end at all.. So, even though it might sound weird, it seems as if I’m cheating on her.. Because nothing ever ended.. Even after all this time.. I never knew for sure if I should move on, or if I should wait.. So, selfishly, I waited.. That’s why I haven’t been with anyone as serious as I was with her.. There’s still a small part of me that wishes one day she’ll show up at the damn doorstep,” I admitted something that I wished I hadn’t.. Fuck.. How selfish do I sound now? After admitting I loved Riley, now I’m pretty much admitting I’d dump her if Alani showed up.. Fuck, what is wrong with me?
There was a long silence in the room after my words, Pia appearing to be a little uncomfortable, but she didn’t back out from the conversation.
“Wow, that’s..” Pia started, but stopped.. I guess she didn’t have anything sassy or witty to say anymore, “She still has quite the pull on you.”
“What gave that away?” I asked sarcastically as I folded my arms and stood from her bed, stepping towards one of the windows to look out into the day. The room fell completely silent now that you could hear a pin drop. And, within that silence of the room, I started to get angry and I couldn’t hide it. I got furious.
“You know,” I began again, “I was on such a fucking high today. I felt like I could do fucking anything because I finally had everything again. I thought that maybe, just maybe, admitting something as serious as loving someone other than Alani, I’d be able to finally forget about her, and here you go bringing her up, and then getting onto whatever the fuck conversation this fucking turned into.”
“Luca-” Pia tried to interrupt, but I didn’t let her.
“-No,” I turned to face her, “I’m sure that I’ve said way more than I wanted to already, but I’m on a roll now, so why the hell not keep going? You wanna know what I think about every day? Alani. Sure, lately I’ve been thinking of Riley a lot more, but that still doesn’t mean that I don’t think of Alani.. Every day, even for just one second, I think of her. I can’t help it. I don’t know why, I don’t know how to get it to stop, but talks like this sure as hell don’t fucking help. It’s hard enough for that one split second where I think of her and luckily I’m able to stop a second later, but to actually have a conversation like this about her that lasts for longer than that one second I allow myself to think of it, fucking sucks. It’s like burning myself on a hot pan I just took off the stove, but then going back and holding my hand there, knowing full well that I’m going to get fucking hurt by it again. But, I do it anyways, like I am now. And why? Because, yeah, I do still love her. I can’t deny that. I lied to Riley, I lied to my family, I lied to you and Tav when I said that I didn’t anymore. All of those thousands upon fucking thousands of times I’ve said I didn’t anymore, I was lying. I’ve been lying for seven years. And you know why? Because I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t anymore. I needed to do that for myself. But, low and behold, she gets brought up into this conversation that was supposed to be about Riley, and now it’s just not going to stop. Now, I feel as if she left me all over again just yesterday. But, I have you to thank for that. Thank you so, so much for fucking bringing her up again. Really, this talk has been such a big fucking help. I thought I had a good thing with Riley, I thought I maybe, just maybe, had the chance to fully get over Alani if I continued on with Riley, but no. Now it’s worse than ever and I’m right back to where I was seven years ago the day she disappeared,” I ended my rant and went towards her door.
“Luca, wait!” Pia called out, and I stopped before walking out her door, looking back and seeing her standing from her bed.
“I’m.. I’m sorry, okay? I had no idea.. Where are you going?” She wondered.
“..Out for a drink.”
“We have plenty of stuff to drink here.. Just stay here and we’ll talk abo-”
“I need a drink alone,” I added, seeing her expression drop and you could see the guilt in her eyes from miles away. When she didn’t speak again, I continued out of the house and pulled the keys out of my pocket, my hands shaking as I felt every emotion there was known to man and I could barely unlock my car door. When I finally regained enough composure to hold my hand mildly steady, I unlocked it, buckled myself into the drivers seat, felt my car engine roar when I started the ignition and I pealed out of the driveway.