I had a hard time sleeping last night.. Don’t get me wrong, I loved sleeping with Isaiah, but I was such a light sleeper that every time he would shift his weight even a little or wrap his arm around me tighter, I’d wake up and need to adjust myself.. Sometimes, I’d even need to direct his hand higher because it would subconsciously direct itself towards the rim of my pants, or I’d need to lift his hand because it would go down the front of my thigh.. I knew that he was probably more used to sleeping with people than me considering his age and his sense of calmness when it came to being with someone, but it still made me a little uncomfortable that his sleeping hand couldn’t contain itself.. I didn’t blame him by any means, nor was I angry or weirded out by it, but I just found it hard to sleep when every hour, almost on the hour, I’d wake up and need to keep his hand from venturing where it made me uncomfortable.
When we had fallen asleep together, or rather, when he feel asleep before me, the first thing he did was push his face into my hair and my neck, his breathing calmed and relaxed, which made the hair on my neck and spine stand on end as well as me not wanting to move because he seemed so happy and comfortable.. But.. At the same time, it was still a little too much for me even though he was touching me without knowing what his sleeping body was doing, so I got up close to six in the morning when I didn’t think I could handle it anymore..
I slowly and carefully picked up his wrist and laid down his arm after I had sat up, watching him continue to sleep even after I stood from the couch to go to his kitchen. Would he mind if I made him breakfast with his own food? It worried me that me might be mad if I used his food he had bought in his fridge, but would he really care if I made him breakfast? I’m not a good cook by any means, but I could at least do pancakes and eggs as well as bacon and he had all of those ingredients as I looked in his fridge, so would be really mind in the end?
I started making him breakfast anyways despite him possibly being mad about it, scrambling eggs, cutting up a bell pepper, prepping the bacon, making the pancakes.. I really just wanted to thank him for being so kind to me and he was the rock that I needed last night. I wanted to thank him for letting me stay, for letting me vent, and I really wanted to thank him for being so understanding and really showing how truly composed he could be in a physical situation. He proved a lot of things to me last night.. I felt terrible for crying in front of him, but I couldn’t help it.. And yet, he was nothing but understanding and perfect. We even covered where we stood as far as a relationship, and now.. I guess he was my boyfriend..? A slight smirk came to my lips at the thought of it, but it still was going to take some time for it to sink in fully.
I was so shy last night.. When I had kissed him after thanking him for letting me stay, he eventually kissed me harder and I got so excited that I was forced to break from that perfect kiss.. I couldn’t deal with the excitement I held, nor did I have any desire to do anything like that with him yet and I was forced to turn away from him.. I was so happy though to see him hold his own and he didn’t pressure me to kiss him longer than I wanted.. He only wanted to wrap his arm around me and I was completely okay with that.. He was just.. Perfect.. And I wanted to show him how appreciative I was with an at least decent breakfast..
I plated everything and finished with pouring the cooked eggs and peppers onto a plate, thinking to myself that it all looked okay and then I felt a pair of arms wrap around me.. I jumped, of course, nearly dropping the pan but Isaiah let go immediately as I turned around and looked over my shoulder..
“Sorry.. I should’ve known better than to do that.. Couldn’t help myself,” he expressed and I eventually smirked, turning back to the plates full of breakfast.
“You can keep holding me.. I didn’t mean to jump like that..” I replied, feeling his arms then wrap around me again and his hold of me was tight enough that it was comforting, as well as still loose enough with a sense of relaxation.
“Did you make me a good breakfast?” He asked and I smiled softly.
“Yeah, I mean, I hope so.. I wanted to thank you for letting me stay over.. I hope you don’t mind I used stuff in your fridge..”
“Of course I don’t mind.. I love having a meal cooked for me..” He replied, only holding me tighter, “And I thought you were a night person.. You’re up pretty early at six to make me breakfast,” he replied and I smirked nervously as he still held me.
“Well.. I couldn’t sleep..”
“Did I touch you too much while I slept?” He asked and I didn’t answer him for a moment, though both of us already knew the answer to his question, “I’m sorry.. If I was aware of what I was doing, I wouldn’t have done it..” He continued.
“It.. It wasn’t bad.. I’ll just, uhm, have to get used to it.. Right?” I asked in return.
“Yeah, I guess.. If you want to get used to it..” He answered and I felt my cheeks get warm. “Do you want to get used to it?” He asked almost in a teasing manner and I held my tongue.
“Your breakfast is ready..” I replied and I heard him chuckle, still holding on to me and I felt his lips kiss the back of my neck, sending chills up my spine.
“I have a pretty big appetite.. I think a good kiss might pair well with my eggs and pancakes,” he implied and I felt my face get even warmer.
“Gross.. I haven’t even brushed my teeth.. And my toothbrush is at home,” I pointed out as I stared down at the full plates.
“It’s the farthest thing from gross and I don’t care. I came straight here from the couch, anyways.. I haven’t done it either, so kiss me,” he replied and I saw his point, but his bluntness just made me more nervous and I felt even more butterflies in my stomach the more I tried to avoid it.
I slowly turned around within his arms, eventually looking up to him and I watched him smile, Isaiah then leaning in and our lips touched one other’s. I felt a little self conscious about not brushing my teeth before our kiss that turned out to be a lot longer and more passionate than I had expected it to turn into, but at the same time, the more he showed me he didn’t care, the more I felt okay with it. Kissing him was like a spark igniting within me every single time and as much as the build up to the kiss made me nervous, as our lips massaged against one another’s, those nerves seemed to dissipate every time as fast as they came to be. But, before it could get better, I felt Isaiah lean forward more but he quickly pulled away.
“Ahh! Fuck..” He let out as he pulled away quickly, bringing his finger closer for inspection.
“What! What is it?” I asked frantically.
“I think I cut my finger on the knife you used.. Damn.. That pepper juice stings,” he continued with a chuckle and I felt terrible for leaving the knife out to where he’d get hurt, looking at his finger as well.
“I’m so sorry.. Are you all right?” I asked.
“Yeah, it’s fine, really.. Just a cut.. Don’t worry about it,” he played off, still looking at his finger and that’s when blood surfaced along the long slit on his fingertip, “Yeah, just a small cut.. Nothing huge,” he continued to play off with a gentle, calm laugh.
But, once I saw the red.. The bloody, warm drops forming on his finger dripping down slowly, I felt a little dizzy..
“Hey, hey, hey, whoa! Oliver!” I heard him say as my eyes rolled back into my skull and my head grew heavy, my body going limp and everything went white.
My eyes opened slowly, blinking a few times and I saw a white ceiling, my vision still a little blurry and it was hard to make out where I was at first. I looked to my left, noticing I was lying within a bed and I then looked right, seeing Isaiah sitting within the mattress next to me, leaning over with a troubled expression and I grew worried.
“Wh- What happened?” I asked, seeing Isaiah nearly snap his own neck for how fast he faced me and I then saw an incredibly bright smile on his lips.
“Hey.. You’ve been out for an hour, you scared the shit out of me..” He replied, leaning towards me more and he brought his hand to my face, caressing his thumb over my cheek and I was still so confused. “You saw my cut and fainted right in the middle of the kitchen.. I managed to catch you before your head hit the ground, but, holy shit, Oliver.. You really did scare me..” He continued, still caressing my cheek with a relieved smile on his lips.
“I.. I fainted..?” I asked and he nodded.
“How’s your finger?” I wondered.
“I didn’t even need a band-aid, don’t worry about me.. Are you okay now?” Isaiah asked and I nodded in return as I sat up slowly with a gentle groan.
“Yeah.. I think so..”
“Are you really that freaked out from blood?” He questioned next, seeing concern in his eyes as he continued to comfort me by caressing my face and I was embarrassed to admit it.
“I, uh.. Yeah.. I-I guess..”
“Well.. I’m glad you’re okay now..” Isaiah then hesitated a moment, as if wondering if his next words should be said, “Forgive me if this sounds rude, but.. How do you expect to become a general surgeon if you faint from seeing blood on a small cut?” He asked, my eyes then going to him in a slightly displeased way and I saw the remorse in his eyes after my gaze.
“I’m sorry, I.. I didn’t mean to make you angry,” he quickly said after seeing my expression, though it was hard to forgive what he had asked. What business of it was his to wonder such a thing that I wanted to be? I knew the struggle of being a little weak to the sight of blood, but I just figured I’d get passed it eventually.. For him to bring something like that up made me angry, just as it had made me angry when James pointed it out to me earlier in the school year, but, what did that really mean, then? I hated whenever I questioned the profession I had told myself I wanted to pursue and maybe I was even in a little denial about this choice, but either way, I didn’t like that my career choice for the rest of my life was being questioned, no matter who was questioning it..
I pulled my face away from his hand, “Oliver, forget what I said.. I’m sorry..” He made another attempt at apologizing and I wanted to tell him it was okay, but I was just angry now.. Not with him, in particular, but the fact that now two people have questioned my ability in the medical career that I so badly wanted to pursue.
“It’s fine..” I eventually replied.
“No, it’s not, I can see it in your face.. I’m sorry I upset you.. Who am I to have any say in what you want to become, right?” He asked rhetorically and now I felt bad for even acting that way towards him when his logic, as well as James, made sense in the end.. I just hated to admit that they might be right..
“Well.. You have a big say in it.. Now, at least.. I just.. I really don’t like getting my flaws pointed out, especially when I want to do nothing but help people live.. This is a huge setback, but I just want to get over it so I can do what I want for others, alright? I just.. I need to get passed it.. Okay?” I asked more sternly and his expression was as if I had just scolded him.
“You’re right.. I totally understand.. I’m sorry again, though.. I’ll just, uh.. I’ll let you rest some more..” He replied, watching as he stood from the bed and I watched as he walked towards the door.
“Isaiah..” I tried to stop him, seeing him come to a halt before he opened the door and he looked back at me, “Thank you.. For everything you’ve done for me.. I don’t mean to be mean.. I just-”
“Don’t apologize. I was out of line asking something like that.. Just get some more rest, okay?” He replied, seeing him smirk just slightly and I nodded, watching him then leave but just before he shut the door, I noticed his face turn sad with his eyes and head facing down and I felt bad as I heard the door shut..
Why..? Why was it that every time he was so nice to me and only showed concern did I make the conversation turn sour or make things uncomfortable? I’m such an asshole.. I knew the concern he held as well as James’ concern for my ability to pull off my dream career, but what was the point in trying to save people when I couldn’t even handle seeing a drop of blood? They both had good points.. Well, they were the same points, but I just hated how I had proof now that more than one person saw the same disadvantage I had when it came to wanting to be a doctor, and even with James being in the same classes with me for the past three years, it made me feel more inadequate since Isaiah had noticed my flaw within only a few weeks of knowing him when it took James years to mention it.. Maybe I just hated that I was just so damn easy to read, or maybe it was just because I knew I was going to be a failure before I even go into my Residency if I didn’t get over this fear of blood I had. I didn’t want to fail, I didn’t want all of my schooling be for nothing, and I didn’t want to look pathetic in the eyes of everyone else.
I let out a large, heavy sigh, shutting my eyes and turning my body as I fell down into his bed, my face against Isaiah’s pillow and I lie there sulking for a few minutes.. But, the longer I lie in his bed, I could’t sleep in it.. I just couldn’t.. He told me to rest, but I couldn’t when all I could smell was him on his pillows and blankets, as well as just thinking about him, knowing he was in the other room most likely sulking from how I had reacted and I was just so insecure, yet again, to the point where it made him feel like shit when he didn’t really do anything wrong.. Why do I always do that to him, and how the hell can I just lay here and do nothing about it..?
I got up, swinging my legs over the bed and I stood to my feet, quickly going to the bedroom door and pulling it open. I first went passed the kitchen and looked in the living room, not seeing him, but once I turned around, I noticed him sitting in the kitchen, his eyes already up and looking at me, “What’s wrong?” He asked and I noticed he had been picking at the breakfast I had made.. It must’ve been cold by now..
“N-Nothing.. Nothing’s wrong..” I replied as I approached the doorway to the kitchen, seeing him look back down at his plate with a subtle nod and I could feel my chest tightening in remorse every second that I looked at his miserable face.. He hated hurting me in the slightest, it was obvious, and although I truly appreciated it, it only made me feel worse about how I reacted to everything he did for me that made him this way in the first place..
I walked into the kitchen, stepping behind him and I threw my arms around his neck, feeling his back straighten instantly and one of his hands reached up to touch my arm, “Are you okay? ..Really?” He asked again and I nodded as my face brushed against the side of his.
“Yeah.. Yeah, I’m great..” I replied, hugging him a little tighter and I noticed his lips had curled into a smile and lifted his bright face.
“What did you sleep for, three minutes?” He asked as a joke and he hummed a content chuckle as well.
“I couldn’t sleep..” I replied.
“Oh, yeah? And why’s that?” He wondered somewhat flirtatiously and I smirked even though he couldn’t see it.
“No reason..” I lied, wanting to tell him that I couldn’t sleep because I wanted to get lost in the smell of him in his bed, but I couldn’t be that straight forward, nor could I even say such a thing without it sounding really weird.
“There you go lying again,” he teased a little and I kept the smirk I’ve continued to hold.
“Isn’t your breakfast cold? You don’t have to eat it to make me happy.. I’ll replace everything, too, since all I did was waste everything..” I replied, changing the subject.
“You’re sweet, but don’t worry about it, really. A few missing eggs and bacon I can get over, but you lying to me? I can’t swallow that, anymore,” he answered and I lost my smirk, letting him go and standing up straight.
Isaiah then turned around within the chair, looking back at me and the look in his eyes made me a little nervous. I watched as he then stood to his feet and stepped around the chair towards me, “It was cute before when you were hiding things from me and you were so nervous, but now that we’re together, you can’t do that stuff anymore,” he pointed out and my view went to the floor tiles, “So.. Why couldn’t you sleep? Tell me, maybe I can help,” he insisted with a grin and I smirked as I kept my head down.”What’s funny?” He wondered after he saw my slight smile.
“You can’t help.. I felt bad for what I said to you, and I can’t sleep in a bed where all I can think about is how it’s yours.. All I could smell was you and I couldn’t focus enough to even try to sleep.. And I just.. I like how you smell,” I replied.
“You realize that that sounds kind of creepy, right?” He replied and I looked up to him, then furrowed my brows in anger as my gaze met the floor again.
“Whatever..” I replied and I heard him laugh, then noticing him walk up to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and he kissed my cheek.
“You’re so cute when you pout,” he answered, feeling his lips kiss my cheek a few more times, each one lasting longer than the last and it felt as if he was apologizing in a way without saying it outright.
“Stop calling me cute, I’m not a baby,” I answered.
“But you’re my baby,” he replied and I couldn’t help but crack a tiny smirk.
“Shut up..” I said softly, hearing him chuckle and feeling him plant yet another kiss on my cheek.
I then felt a slight cold rush of air against my cheek as Isaiah inhaled a large breath, “It’s a good thing, too.. I like the smell of you more, so now we can be creeps together,” he said with a laugh and I couldn’t help but smile more, which then led me to laughing with him. I liked the ways he tried to cheer me up, whether is was from genuine, sincere honesty or even a stupid joke, I enjoyed how it always made me feel better in the end. It was odd for me to feel like this.. Not the fact that I enjoyed spending time with him, but the fact that I haven’t experienced something like this in a long time.. I couldn’t even remember the last time I felt this happy.
Isaiah eventually pulled away from my cheek, looking to me with a content smile, “Well, I’m going to take a shower,” he said and I couldn’t seem to stop my flustered behavior, “Will you be here when I get out?”
“No, I should probably get going..” I admitted.
“Do you have class today?”
“Yeah, in about two hours.”
“All right, well.. Since it’s Friday, I’ll be working late tonight and tomorrow, so would you want to do something Sunday?” He wondered and I still held my smile.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” I answered and I could see the joy in his eyes.
“I’ll call you Sunday then,” he replied and I nodded.
“Okay,” I answered with the same smile I held and he leaned in to kiss me goodbye before he left my side, seeing a grin on his face as he left the kitchen and went across the tiny hallway towards the bathroom.
“Don’t forget to brush your teeth when you get home,” he called out teasingly before I heard the bathroom door shut and I laughed softly to myself.
“Jerk..” I said under my breath jokingly as I walked out of the kitchen then and towards the door, putting my shoes on and leaving his condo.
I caught a cab to the campus and went to the pool, going to my locker and taking my backpack out that held my school uniform and I changed within one of the stalls. I didn’t like that I didn’t get a chance to go home and wash everything for the next day at school, though spending the night at Isaiah’s and forgetting to do so was well worth it. I brushed my teeth quickly in one of the sinks with an extra toothbrush I had within my locker, smirking occasionally as I did so at the thought of Isaiah as I got ready for class.
When I got to class, James wasn’t there, the seat empty next to me and I kept glancing towards the door, wondering if he’d walk in late, but he never did.. Twenty minutes into class, I finally gave up on potentially seeing James and focused on my work, something I haven’t been able to do in a month or two and it actually felt good to be studying again.. To be focused. I smirked at the thought that Isaiah might just be the one thing I needed in order to get passed all of this bullshit with Jody as well as James and Kat hounding my every day and it really did feel good to think that maybe I could just finish this semester off without seeing her again so I could go into my Residency without worrying about bumping into her on campus..
But, my Residency coming up made me nervous the more I thought about it.. It made me think back to this morning when I had fainted from the sight of blood that delicately beaded up and dripped down Isaiah’s finger that he cut on the knife I used for breakfast and even the thought of what I had seen made me a little light headed. I wish I could give him an answer as to why I always felt dizzy seeing blood, but I didn’t even know myself why it happened.. It just.. Did.. And what was worse was that I knew that that conversation between us didn’t end there, no matter if he avoided it for my sake, I knew it was going to be mentioned again from him, but I still didn’t know what to tell him, nor did I know what to even tell myself. Maybe when I went into my Residency I’d get used to it, but even just the thought of me fainting for the first few times just to get passed the feeling was going to be more embarrassing at the hospital than it was in class during demonstrations.. I even began contemplating whether or not this career was the right choice for me, someone as weak and stupid as me to the point where a pinprick would make me queezy.. How in the hell was I going to be the surgeon I wanted to be when the sight of the thick, red substance made me dizzy? It was impossible to avoid, but what do I do about it now?
When class was eventually let out, I walked through the halls of the campus on my way to my next class, keeping my view to the ground as I walked and I began pondering what other careers I might be interested in. I still wanted to be a surgeon the most, but now that I had come to the daunting realization that it might not work out in the end, I figured I might as well think of other options, but where do I start..? The only other thing that I really loved to do was swim, but I didn’t care enough to do it competitively, nor did I want to be a mere lifeguard because I would rather be in the water than sitting on top of those high lifeguard chairs all day just waiting for someone to drown or watching other people have fun in the water while I watched them for hours.. It just sounded too boring.. But, what else was there for me to do?
The only thing that I could really think of doing that both involved saving people and also getting to spend time in the water that I loved was possibly joining the Navy to become a Aviation Rescue Swimmer, but could I really handle something like that? It seemed like a pretty good idea when it suddenly popped into my head, but just as quickly as I liked the idea, bad thoughts began to outweigh the good.. What if there was a shark attack and blood in the water? There’d be no way I could consciously jump in to save them if I can’t keep myself from fainting.. Could I really jump into the ocean in an attempt to save fisherman from a sinking ship, knowing I might run into dead, already drowned people within the water? And then, the most important question I asked myself, could I really be away from Isaiah, as well as James and Kat that long? I’d be completely alone and I’d barely ever get time to go home, possibly being gone months at a time, and that scared me more than the actual job did.. At first, it was a good idea, an alternate one that provided my love for helping people as well as the water, but now, it was completely out of the question and I was right back to square one..
I walked into the men’s bathroom casually, wanting to clear my head a little before my next class and I walked up to one of the sinks, turning the warm water on and cupping my hands so water could fill up within them. I splashed my face gently a couple of times before finally shutting the faucet off and reaching for a towel to dry my face. After wiping it dry, I stood at the sink for a moment, looking at myself in the mirror for a brief second, but my view then turned towards the bathroom door when I heard someone walking in.
Thomas.. Great, just what I needed right now.
“My, my.. It must be my lucky day, huh, Fish? I wanted to find you and exchange some words and here you are,” he taunted at first and I watched as he reached behind him to lock to bathroom doors. Shit.. That’s never a good sign.
“What do you want, Thomas?” I asked dryly, pulling myself away from the sink and I watched as he put his hands into his pockets and began pacing slowly around the bathroom with the conniving grin his lips always held.
“What do I want? Well.. A few things, actually. I want to ask you some questions, I want to get something through that thick skull of yours, I also kind of want to rip your throat out, though not necessarily all in that order,” he replied and I grew more nervous, taking a few steps back and away from him the closer he got.
“What’s this about?” I asked and he chuckled, shaking his head in a disappointed manner.
“Ahh, Fish.. I really hate when you always play this innocent, pathetic little worm that runs at the very sight of conflict, but you cause so much of it yourself I’d think you’d be used to this stuff coming back to bite you in the ass by now,” he answered, “You know.. Do you really think that I’m anything like you? That I won’t stand up for someone I love when someone’s wronged them? Do you honestly think I’m as weak as you?”
“Get to the point, Thomas, or leave me the hell alone,” I replied and he continued to approach me, my feet stepping away from him more and more but I was forced to stop when my back hit the wall.
Thomas stood directly in front of me, his hand coming up quickly and clasping at my throat, holding it so tightly that I could barely breath and more importantly so I couldn’t talk.
“Do you know how big of a piece of shit you are, or do you just like begging to be reminded?” He began and I was so confused. I tried to cough under his grip to catch my breath, bringing my hands up to his wrist in hopes of removing his from the clinch he held me in, but he grabbed one of my wrists with his unoccupied hand in return and slammed my hand against the wall, “Why do you struggle? I only want to talk,” he continued, smirking with his lips, but his eyes held immense anger.
“W-What-“ I tried to speak, but he let go of my throat and sent his fist flying into my stomach, all the breath I had left escaping me and I could breathe even less. His hand then reached down to my hunched over body, grabbing my neck again and forcing me to stand upright once more, the back of my head hitting the wall with a loud thud and my expression winced in pain.
“Don’t fucking talk! The nerve you have going for someone like Jody and then ignoring her. I’m going to say this once, and only once.. If you think that you can knock up my little sister and then never talk to her again, you’ve got another fucking thing coming, you piece of decaying garbage!” He threatened, his words being spoken so hard through his clenched teeth that he seemed like a rabid dog by the amount of spit that I felt on my face. “You now have only one fucking goal in life, and that’s to never piss her off or you’re going to answer to me, and we all know how those fights end up, now don’t we, Fish?” He continued, “If you ever, and I mean ever, try to leave her high and dry, or try to weasel your way out of this by ignoring her anymore and leaving her to deal with this alone, I’ll kill you myself.. You got me?” He continued and I could feel my head getting lighter and lighter from the lack of oxygen.
But.. Wait.. They’re siblings..? And did he just.. Did he just say Jody was pregnant!?
“You’re lucky my sister and I are meeting up in a few minutes, or else I’d love to stay in here all day beating the shit out of you for what you’ve done to her already. But, I hope we understand one another.. I’d hate for our next meeting to end worse than this one will,” he threatened last and his hands then gripped the front of my clothes, throwing me to the wall to his right and the next thing I knew my bottom met the ground and I slid until the back of my head slammed against the wall. That’s when everything went black.
I had woken up still within the bathroom, alone, my vision a little blurred and immediately my head started pulsing in pain and I let out a sudden, quiet groan in discomfort. My eyes winced shut and I brought my hand to the back of my head, feeling the spot in the most pain, but as I brought my hand back forward to look at my fingers, I was glad that I wasn’t bleeding from my skull being forced to meet the wall. I sighed heavily in both pain and disappointment, realizing that I’ve now fell unconscious twice in one day and that was never a good sign.. Although both times were for completely different reasons, it made me realize that I really am a weak person in all aspects that I could possibly think of. Why does Isaiah even like me? What’s there to like? He deserves someone with more self-esteem, less looking after, more ambition and a sense of courage, anything else but me.
I slowly brought my knees to my chest and bowed my head, sitting there on the dirty bathroom floor where I felt I belonged. If I was a stronger person, I’d probably have a lot better of a life than I’m having now.. I’d be smart enough and strong enough to know right from the beginning that Jody was bad news, but I’m not those things, and now my worst nightmare has come true. I hoped that Thomas was lying.. I hoped that Jody was just spreading lies and I’d rather deal with a rumor than deal with having a baby together. I tried to calculate in my head back to the day she forced herself on me, and if what Thomas said is true, then she’s about a month along already.
What the hell was happening in my life? Every time something remotely went well, it always ended up turning to shit.. I thought I had a chance with Jody, but she turned out to be a wolf – no – a monster in sheep’s clothing.. I thought I wanted to be a doctor, knew I wanted to be, but now, even despite all of my hard work and dedication to my education, I’ve been realizing that choosing this line of work was the stupidest way to spend my time at college.. Now, I have a boyfriend that knows of the girl who ruined me, but I never told him that she might be pregnant, and now with it being a strong possibility, it made me feel worse, as if I’ve lied to him subconsciously and I was so lost on how I was going to tell him something like this.. How the hell would he be okay with it? I should’ve told him last night when I had the chance, but I just kept it in because I wanted to believe so badly that she wasn’t pregnant, so why would I tell him such a thing when there was still a possibility of it not being true? No matter what, I always manage to dig myself into a whole and with each and every fuck up, the hole only gets deeper and the light of day keeps getting further and further away.
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