Growing up, my parents always showed so much love to us and to one another to the point where it would be hard to ever live without. I always looked up to them and wanted to have a type of relationship that they did.. Not afraid to show affection, casual, stupid and flirty jokes, the way they look at one another and being able to see their love so clearly every time they exchanged a simple glance or a subtle smirk that said a thousand words without making a sound.. When I thought I had found the same thing, I held onto it, cherished it, surrounded myself in it and let it become the center of my universe.. I completely drowned myself in it, which is why it killed me when it was taken away at the blink of an eye. Since then, I’ve done nothing but avoid relationships and have focused all of my attention on surrounding myself with my family and as many friends as I could get so whenever I start to feel abandoned, hated, ignored or anything else that reminds me of what I failed to achieve and what I lost, I have plenty of people that I can go to and get my mind off of it with.
Right here is a perfect example of what I grew up with and why I now hate being alone. Well, I guess maybe I didn’t hate being alone, per say, but more so strongly preferred not to be. My parents loved me and the rest of us with every ounce of their being and they were never afraid to show it.. But, my Pop tended to love a little too much sometimes. I really enjoyed the first half of this hug, it made me feel amazing and loved and cared for, everything that I want, but as it went on and Pop refused to let me go, it started to become a little redundant.
“Pop, you’ve been hugging me for, like, a minute straight,” I tried to get out of the hug he had locked me in.
“I haven’t seen you in what feels like forever. I’ve missed you so much,” he tried to justify his suffocating love.
“I’ve missed you guys, too, but I was here a few weekends ago,” I pointed out, although the second that that short time frame came out of my mouth, I could guess word for word what he was about to say next.
“And it’s felt like an eternity,” he replied and I chuckled at how right I was.
“Isaiah, let the poor boy go.. You ambushed him the moment he got out of his car,” my dad tried to help me and eventually, Pop did as he said and pulled back to then have a look at me.
“Are you eating enough? You feel skinny,” he said with worry as he examined my body.
“Yeah, I’m eating fine, Pop. An apple a day, yadda yadda,” I brushed off and he smiled as he then reached to touch my face briefly.
“This is healing nicely, too. You can barely see it anymore,” he gestured towards the scar over my eye, “But, I still wish it didn’t happen to your beautiful face,” he said with a furrowed and worried brow.
“Oh, come on, it ain’t so bad, Pop. I kind of like it.. Makes me look like a badass, doesn’t it?” I joked, but by the expression he gave me, I could tell he didn’t enjoy my attitude about it.
“I hope you don’t go looking for these scars, Luca-”
“And why do you always have such dark circles under your eyes? You’re not getting enough sleep, are you?” He continued his questioning and I sighed.
“Uhh, I dunno, Pop.. I guess not. You know how it is, us troublemakers don’t like sleep,” I took a small stab back at him.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it, I just want you to be taking better care of yourself and-”
“Okay, Isaiah.. Stop interrogating him and let me say hi to my son,” my dad butted in and I was so thankful he did because he’s the only one that could get Pop to stop being so parental. Don’t get me wrong, I know he’ll never stop being that way, he’s my father, after all, but man, did it get exhausting.. I was twenty three years old and I’ve been out of the house for a couple years now.. I want him to just lay off once in a while, but that’s just too much for a child to ask their parent.. Especially my parents.
I then stepped up to my dad to greet him, too, since I hadn’t gotten the chance to yet thanks to Pop.
“Hey, Dad,” I said warmly as I hugged him and he hugged me tightly in return for a short moment, much shorter that Pop had.
“How are you, though, really? You doin’ all right?” He asked and I smiled as I nodded.
“I’m doing great, truly. How are you guys?” I asked in return and Pop gave me a look as if I had just insulted them.
“We’re fine, but don’t you worry about us, you’re not allowed to. You just worry about yourself and staying healthy and finding someone to give us grandbabies with, understood?” He made known, meaning for it to be a playful little joke, but I also knew that he couldn’t have been more serious at the same time.. And this wasn’t the first, or second, or even fifth time I’ve heard it, he’s been mentioning it ever since I turned eighteen.
Dad then grabbed Pop’s wrist, “Isaiah, that’s enough.. Leave him alone, huh?” He pressed and I laughed softly.
“I think that’s Niko’s job to provide that for you guys,” I replied with a smirk, looking towards the driveway as Niko’s car pulled in, “Speak’a the devil,” I said as I gestured towards Niko and Pop took his attention off of me to go smother one of his other children with love.
“..I’m sorry,” my dad said with a guilty smirk, apologizing for Pop being so damn impatient about grandchildren, but I brushed it off with a light chuckle.
“Nah, don’t worry about it. I know he’s always loved kids, it doesn’t bother me. Can’t blame him for being himself,” I replied as I looked back over towards the driveway and Pop was hugging Niko and refusing to let go just as he did to me a moment ago. Niko looked to me and he mouthed the words “help me” and I laughed softly, enjoying that he had to go through what all of us did and there was absolutely no way of escaping it. His hugs were like Chinese finger traps, the harder you tried to get out of it, the tighter his hugs got.
“Well, I also mean sorry because I don’t think he realizes how hard that break up was for you years ago-”
“Dad, I.. I really don’t want to talk about that right now, or ever again, actually,” I said with a pathetic smirk that pleaded for him to stop this.
“My point exactly.. If you were over it, I don’t think you’d mind.. But, there really isn’t anyone that you like yet? No one you’ve been seeing steadily?”
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I’m done,” he said as he looked forward and I looked forward as well towards Pop now hugging AnneMarie the same as he hugs his own kids and I felt sorry for her, but he absolutely adored her like all of us did and he treated her like one of his own daughters. It was inevitable.
When I looked back to my dad, he was still looking at Pop, Niko and AnneMarie, but I could tell that he was still thinking about the subject I obviously didn’t want to talk about and it also seemed like he was trying not to look at me.. It made me feel guilty for making him feel like there was nothing he could do, or that I couldn’t talk to him about this stuff, or maybe even that he thought he had offended me when he didn’t, but it was so simple.. I didn’t want to talk about it..
Dad was a lot more sensitive than Pop was. His feelings can get hurt a lot easier and he tends to think way too much into things that ultimately result in him being depressed about it or cause himself unneeded stress, something that I’m a little familiar with, but when it happened to him, it was a lot more intense of a feeling than I could ever experience and I hated seeing him like that.. Unless you tell him right away exactly what’s on your mind, he automatically dwells on it and thinks the worst, then beats himself up over it when really there isn’t anything to worry about. I didn’t want to make him feel like we weren’t close anymore, because we still very much were, I just didn’t like talking about that one subject and I wanted him to understand that.. It was nothing against him or Pop or anyone else, I just hated reminding myself of it.. He needed to hear it, too, or else that casual little dismissal I gave him will eat him up inside.
“Look.. Yes, the subject still bothers me, I’ll admit that, but I only don’t want to talk about it because I don’t like thinking about.. I don’t like reminding myself of it, okay? If I find someone, then I find someone, and you guys will be the first to know. Until then, I’m just having fun, all right? That’s it,” I continued and Dad looked at me as if he was happy I had said something and involved them somehow, though after my words, he still seemed a little concerned.
“..Are you being safe?” He asked and I couldn’t do this anymore, not even to make him feel better.
“I’m going inside,” I replied to avoid the subject and he chuckled.
“Hey, don’t go in yet.. I’m sorry, okay? I’m your dad, I can’t help but worry and make sure you’re making good choices, and I know you are, it’s just.. Those kind of questions just come out of me without even thinking twice,” he explained himself and a light smile came back to my lips.
“Yeah, I know.. It’s all right, it’s just hard because the only subject that I don’t want to talk about is the one that always comes up when I’m here.. It’s a little frustrating because I try to surround myself with good things and people that I love and people that love me back, not ones that used to, you know?” I explained myself, too, and my dad nodded in understanding.
“I completely understand.. I’m sorry.. I’ll talk to your father about it, too, and see if I can get him to back off a little.. I’ll do the same.. But, just know that if you ever need to talk, any time at all, you can always come over and I’ll help you with anything.. We’ll help you with anything.. You know that, don’t you?” He tried to compromise and I agreed.
“Yeah, I do.. Thanks, Dad,” I replied and he finally seemed at ease about our conversation.
“All right.. Go inside and see your siblings, they’ve been waiting for you,” he instructed and I smiled, nodding softly and going inside to see Petra, Umiko and Jiro.
I stepped into the foyer and over towards the kitchen, but when no one was in sight, I walked down the hallway and peaked into the old dining room they had turned into a new living room, but still saw no one.
“Must be outside,” I said to myself as I then made my way over to the back door that led to the pool.
When I got to the back door, I noticed Petra and Umi under the shade in the lounge chairs talking, but I still didn’t see Jiro. I walked outside and the girls looked up right away with big smiles on their lips when they saw me.
“Hey, Luca!” Umi called out with a wave and I walked over to where they were sitting to chat a little.
“Hello, sisters of mine,” I pointed out the obvious, “How’s everything going?” I asked, sitting down next to Umiko and Petra went first.
“I had my first design job earlier this week,” she said with a smile and I was excited for her.
“Really? That’s great! How’d the client like it? Wha’d you do?” I asked.
“Well, they just bought a new, small house on the other side of town and their daughter, who’s a friend of mine, showed them some of my ideas and a few pictures of what I’ve done to my bedroom here, as well as the guest house bedroom upstairs. They liked what I did and wanted a summer, beach type of feel to their living room. You know, kind of like wanting to bring the outside in, so I did that for them. They ended up loving it! It only took me about two days to repaint and refurnish with the funds they gave me, but they really loved the end result,” she explained.
“Wow, that’s really awesome, I’m proud of you,” I answered with a smile, “How much did you get for it?”
“None of your business, nosy,” she said with a smile and I chuckled, “But, it was a pretty nice chunk of cash. I put it in the bank,” she continued.
“Good girl,” I commended and she seemed a little more proud of herself than she portrayed just a moment ago. I knew she loved being praised for her hard work, and man, did she deserve it. At only nineteen, she was starting her own line of interior design work and I was floored that she managed it so well, especially so soon after getting out of high school.
I then looked to Umi and asked her the same thing, “Anything new to report, baby sis?”
“Hmm.. No, not really-”
“What are you talking about?” Petra interrupted, “You’re grounded because you got caught having Mike over and locking your door,” she told on our little sister and Umi reached over to quickly, but gently hit Petra on the shoulder.
“Shut up, Petra!”
“Ohh, you adventurous little devil,” I said with a proud grin and Petra giggled, though I then grew a little more serious, “He treatin’ you good?” I asked with a more protective tone and Umi rolled her eyes.
“Yes, Luca.. No need to scare him away with your subtle, brotherly warnings,” she said with a sarcastic grin.
Petra jumped in, “Yeah, if he knows what’s good for him, he’ll continue that good behavior. Andy was lucky enough to experience it first hand,” she said sarcastically and I chuckled.
“Well, he should’ve never made you cry,” I justified my actions of scaring the shit out of Petra’s now ex-boyfriend, then put my attention back to Umi, “You let me know if he does anything you don’t like and I’ll be at his door quicker than-”
“Okaaayyyy, thanks, Luca.. But, I will let you know if he ever does.. Until then, don’t worry, okay?” She said reassuringly and I nodded.
“I know.. I know you can handle yourself, but you can’t blame me for wanting you to be treated well and wanting to make sure of it,” I replied and she smiled appreciatively.
My relationship with my sisters was very strong, and by strong, I mean I’m incredibly over protective of them. We’re a very tight knit family and we always look out for one another, although out of us boys, I think I’m the most protective over the other siblings.. I guess I was the biggest and most intimidating, so my words and my fists were something that everyone wanted to avoid, and if they were smart, having only good intentions when getting involved with my siblings was a must or else there’d be consequences.. There’s even been an instance where I was pretty close to putting someone in the hospital for how they acted around AnneMarie when we went out together to buy a birthday present for Niko a few years back. After knowing her for so long, I consider AnneMarie to be one of my sister’s, too, and I’d do anything for her just as much as I’d do for my blood.
Our parents don’t even know half of the things we’ve done for each other, they worry too much and telling them anything wouldn’t be good for any of us. We take a lot of our matters into our own hands to protect one another and not give our parents the unneeded stress..
I noticed Petra’s eyes look behind me and she gave the slightest smirk, telling me without using a single word that Jiro was coming up behind me and I knew it was him.. He always did this.. I waited patiently, sitting there minding my own business, but the second I heard one of his steps right behind me, I stood up quickly, turned around and grabbed him, putting him into a headlock and laughing.
“Thought you could sneak up on me, huh?!” I disciplined, rubbing my hand roughly back and forth on the top of his head to mess up his hair.
“How do you always know!?” He asked as he struggled to get out of my grip, but I wasn’t letting go.
“You little shit, you do this every time I come over! You’re so predictable!”
“Fuck you, lemme go!” He exclaimed and every time that I saw my baby brother, I swear he gets more and more like me every time and I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing at this point.
“No way! You need to pay for your non-stealthy ass trying to out-wrestle me all the time and always losing!” I replied as I kept a grin on my lips and Umiko and Petra only laughed at our play fighting.
I then instinctively picked him up, heading for the pool and he flailed within my grasp to try to get free, but there was no competition. He was going into the water and that was that.
“Luca, no, no-no-nO-NO-NO, LUCA!” He called out as I threw him in, hitting the water and I blocked the small splash he made from hitting the girls.
“You’re so mean to him,” Petra said with a smile and I laughed.
“Nah, he deserves it. He knows I’m just fuckin’ with him, too,” I replied with a triumphant grin and Jiro popped up from the water with an angry look in his eyes.
“I hate you so much..”
“No, you don’t! Come on, man, where’d your sense of humor go? You didn’t lose it like Augie has, did you?”
“No! I just don’t like being thrown into the pool whenever you come over!” He argued and I laughed.
“All right, all right.. Now get out and go change, I’ll get yelled at if Dad or Pop sees you like that,” I said with the grin I couldn’t get rid of.
“Not my fault!” He rubbed in my face and I could only laugh more as he got out, soaking wet and dripping onto the walkway under him.
“Then just be better at sneaking up on me and this won’t happen. Succeed, or this is your punishment,” I put it simply and he fake laughed at my joke as he wrung out his clothes.
“Whoa, what happened here?” Dad asked when he came outside and saw us all by the pool.
“He fell in!” I said with an innocent smile and a shrug, speaking before Jiro could, “Didn’t you teach him how to walk when he was one or two? You’d think he’d have learned by now!” I said with the same grin that was a dead give-away and Dad looked at me with a slight smirk, but still gave me the eyes of ‘I know you did that’, yet he still didn’t address it.
“Jiro, go upstairs and change,” he instructed and Jiro went inside soaking wet.
“Yeah, Dad?” I asked with my continuously innocent smile.
“Stop throwing him in the pool,” he instructed with the smirk now gone from his lips and I knew I needed to behave just from the look in his eyes and the tone he used.
“It won’t happen again,” I replied, “Today..” I said quietly and he shook his head as he followed Jiro inside.
After they were gone, Niko and AnneMarie came out through the same door and the girls immediately popped up out of their lawn chairs and went over to them.
“Niko! AnneMarie!” Umi called out and both her and Petra gave them a hug, then started chit-chatting with AnneMarie as Niko came over to me.
“Hey, Luca,” he said with a warm smile that I didn’t realize how much I missed until now.
“Hey, short-stuff. Been a long time,” I said with a smile and he held his on his lips as he rolled his eyes to my comment and we both hugged for a moment.
“I missed you,” he replied and we let go of one another and he sat down on one of the lounge chairs as I sat on the other.
“Likewise.. How you been?”
“Good, good.. Same old stuff,” he shrugged off, “How about you?”
“Nothing new.. So, what brings you guys back in the middle of March? You usually just come home for the summer and the big holidays,” I pointed out and he had a huge smile on his lips as his view went to the ground.
“What is it?” I asked with my grin slowly getting more suspicious, yet bigger, and he looked back up to me.
“..I wanted everyone here tonight because, uhm.. Well.. I haven’t told anyone this but you, so..”
“Okay, out with it.. I have to know now,” I encouraged bravery and he glanced at the ground once more before looking back up to me.
“..I’m gunna ask AnneMarie to marry me,” he replied and the smile left my lips as my expression went from happy to excitedly shocked.
“No fucking way! Really?”
“Be quiet! She has no idea and I want to try to keep it that way.. After dinner, I’m going to take her down to the beach behind the house and ask her. Not even Dad or Pop know, I was just hoping to ask her and surprise everyone afterwards, but.. I had to tell you,” he confirmed and I could feel goose bumps forming on my arms.
“Damn, what a surprise then! Everyone’s going to flip out,” I said with a chuckle and he nodded.
“Yeah, probably. I know it’s been a long time coming, but, it’s finally here, I guess.. And, I think we’re ready.. I’m ready,” he answered and my smile came back to my lips.
“I’m so excited for you. She’s definitely going to say yes,” I said without a doubt in my mind and his expression went hopeful.
“You think so?” He asked and I scoffed.
“Of course! I mean, Jesus.. How long have you been together? Eight, nine years?”
“Almost ten,” he replied with a smile I didn’t think could get any more genuine and happy.
“I’m seriously so happy for you. This is amazing news, Niko.. I mean, I knew you guys would eventually get married, but now, finally hearing that it’s going to happen.. I’m excited,” I couldn’t contain my enthusiasm and he chuckled.
“Yeah, well.. I haven’t asked her yet, so-”
“Stop.. There’s no way she would say no to you. You guys are still just as amazing as you were ten years ago and nothing’s change. You’re fucking middle-school sweethearts.. How often does that happen, huh? You’re perfect for one another,” I complimented and I could see in his eyes that he was more than appreciative of my words.
“Thanks, Luca.. That really means a lot, and actually, it helps a little with these nerves.. I couldn’t even hold her hand driving here because I couldn’t stop shaking,” he said with a hopeless laugh and I couldn’t stop smiling. He’s the most genuine human being I’ve ever known and if AnneMarie even thinks for one second that she should say no, she’s the dumbest person alive. My little brother has been in love with this girl ever since he laid eyes on her and it was still obvious to this very day.
“Actually, if she says yes, I wanted to talk to you about something,” he brought up and I grew curious.
“Oh, yeah? It’s not something we can talk about now? You know she’s going to say yes, so just say it,” I encouraged and he thought for a moment before speaking.
“Well, I.. I was wondering if-”
“Wait, wait.. Shh,” I said in a slight whisper to give him the heads up and he caught on instantly and didn’t continue the conversation.
“AnneMarie,” I said with a smirk as I stood up, her smile wide and beautiful and she came into my open arms for a warm hug, “How’ve you been, gorgeous? It’s been a while,” I asked as we then let go and Niko stood with us.
“Yeah, it sure has,” she replied with her soft and sweet Alabama-Southern-Belle twang that everyone adored, “And I’m doin’ all right. Excited to be back in town. I was real excited when Nikolai wanted to make a random visit! I’ve missed y’all,” she said with such charm that I could easily pass out from it. She was seriously beautiful and Niko was a damn lucky man.
“Are you going to talk to him about.. You know?” Niko hinted to AnneMarie and she nodded.
“Oh! Yes, thanks for remindin’ me, baby,” she replied and I already didn’t like whatever they were up to.
AnneMarie had something to talk to me about? ..Specifically AnneMarie? Ah, man.. I think I knew where this was going..
“..Talk to me about what?” I was a little suspicious.
“Well, I got this friend from back where I lived, see? And-”
“Oh-ho-ho-no. I don’t do blind dates, sweetheart. Sorry,” I put my foot down before she could even continue.
“Luca, don’t be like that, just hear her out, okay?” Niko reasoned, giving me a specific look that he only used when he really needed a favor.
“I don’t do that shit, Niko. It’s way too awkward and being in those positions is just exhausting..”
“Just think of it as a favor, or maybe even a gift of some sort,” he hinted for it to be a wedding gift and I sighed, unable to even deny the request when he was going to pull something like that.
“You’re killin’ me here, Niko,” I replied and he smiled, knowing now that I pretty much had to do it..
“Fine, let’s hear it.. What’s she like? Does she have an accent?” I asked AnneMarie, never having a Southern Belle before. Accents of any kind were always such a huge turn on, not to mention AnneMarie’s accent specifically was so smooth and inviting and it made my knees a little weak every time I heard it. She completely oozed charm and grace that was, for some reason, insanely attractive to me and if this girl had the same accent and personality, I might open my mind to it a little more.
“Actually, yeah, she does. She’s from Maycomb County, like me. She’s been a good friend of mine since we were young and she moved closer to here for a change, her job mostly, and to be closer to me. Only lives a couple towns south from here,” she replied and I thought for a moment.
“All right, I’m listening,” I replied and AnneMarie got a little more excited when I finally agreed. Man, I hoped I wouldn’t regret this.
“Okay, first of all, she is so beautiful and I ain’t even fibbin’ with that one,” AnneMarie began and Niko slowly stepped slightly behind her so she couldn’t see him and he nodded indefinitely, telling me the truth that this girl really was pretty.
“Her name’s Riley and she’s real smart, a good sense’a humor, real determined and strong-” she listed a few things off and my eyes kept going back and forth between her and Niko, who was standing behind her and motioning with his hands what she was like on the outside as AnneMarie described what she was like on the inside. His hands curved through the air to make an hourglass figure, then pointed to his legs and nodded strongly with a thumbs up, indicating that they were nice. I always liked a good pair of legs. Niko knew exactly what I liked, or at least the gist of it, and if he was giving me the approval, maybe it might actually be worth meeting this girl. Of course I cared about what AnneMarie was telling me, too, I just really needed to be completely convinced to go on a dreadful blind date, and Niko was also making it more worth it with his visual aids.
“She’s a stylist that runs her own shop and she’s real gentle and sweet, but she does have a real fun side, like you-” AnneMarie continued and I looked back to Niko who was now showing me her breast size with his hands and he mouthed the words “not fake, all real”, and with both of their descriptions combined, I was getting more and more convinced. I really, really hated blind dates, but it was getting less and less ‘blind’ the more details I got.
“What color hair?” I asked, crossing my arms.
“Bright blonde, and it’s cute and short, and she’s got these real dark, deep green eyes that you could just stare at for hours,” AnneMarie explained and I nodded slowly, taking it all in. Blonde hair and green eyes weren’t exactly what I usually went for, I liked darker hair and tended to gravitate more towards brown eyes, hazel mostly, but maybe a change might do me some good. I didn’t think that I was picky when it came to looks, but maybe I was wrong.. Maybe I could go against what I usually aim for and see if this girl had any potential. Girls with dark hair and dark eyes tended to be wildcats, at least the recent ones I’ve been with, and I really enjoyed that, but this girl seems like a nice change. Mild-mannered, sweet, respectful, perhaps open to my kind of fun.. Plus, if I were to do it, I’d be doing it for Niko and AnneMarie and doing this as a gift or no gift, they’d still owe me one..
I sighed heavily as they both waited for my answer.
“Does she know anything about me? ..Does she really know what she’s in for?” I asked with a questionable tone, “She sounds.. Maybe a little too good for me,” I continued and Niko then came back into the conversation instead of hanging back behind AnneMarie.
“Would you stop selling yourself so short all the time? If you ask me, I think you should maybe start putting the ‘flings’ behind you and start looking for something more stable-”
“Well, I didn’t ask you,” I pointed out and he rolled his eyes.
“Look, I’ve told her all about you and she knows you’re a little more outgoing, a risk taker, and well.. Fun. I’ve even showed her a picture-”
AnneMarie excitedly jumped in, “And after seeing that picture of you, she was definitely interested,” she added with a sweet smile. At least this girl thought I was hot, that’s always a good sign.
“You got a picture?” I asked her, but she shook her head.
“No, I’m sorry, not on me now,” she replied, but even with Niko’s help in painting a nice picture for me, maybe I’ll consider it..
“Can I think about it?” I wondered and AnneMarie’s smile was bright and brilliant, as if she heard me say ‘yes’.
“Of course you can! I’m seein’ her sometime next week, so if I can get a picture of her then, I’ll send it your way to help convince you more,” she replied and I was actually starting to welcome the idea of meeting her, but I still had my doubts. From both of their descriptions, she seemed a lot like AnneMarie, herself, and I’ve always thought she was an angel. I think I’ll wait until I see a picture to make up my mind.
“Hey! Dinner time, you guys!” Pop called out from the back door and we all looked in his direction momentarily.
“Comin’, Pop!” I called back to him and he went back inside.
“Go on, babe, I’m right behind you,” Niko encouraged and she smiled again with a nod, walking back over to the house and a grin crept over my lips as I watched Niko watching her until she couldn’t be seen anymore. He really, really did love that girl.
Niko finally looked back to me, “Thanks for doing that.. She’s been trying to find someone for her for a while and when she thought of you, she couldn’t get the idea out of her head,” he said with a smile and I chuckled, throwing my arm around him and we walked back to the house together.
“I haven’t said yes yet, little brother,” I replied and he smirked.
“Oh, you will after you see a picture,” he replied.
“And what do you mean AnneMarie’s been looking for someone for her for a while? What’s wrong with her?” I asked and Niko laughed.
“Nothing’s wrong with her! AnneMarie just wants her to meet new people and stuff so she’s not a stranger out here all by herself. I mean, she has AnneMarie, but that’s just one person, you know? Plus, the whole time she was trying to become a stylist, it was kind of just herself and her mom for a while and she only focused on her schooling.. Never really was room for a boyfriend or anything like that, but now that she’s out here and has her job with her own schedule, there’s time for it now, and I think AnneMarie can tell that she kind of wants someone besides her best friend all the time, know what I mean?” He explained and I slowly nodded.
“Ahhh, I see.. And you think that ‘someone’ is me?” I said with an amused laugh, making a joke at my own expense.
“Well, you never know until you give it a shot, right?”
“I suppose.. So, what you’re telling me is she needs a little hot, tender loving care from me?” I said with a sly grin.
“No! Not just that, you perv..”
“I know, I know, I’m just joking.. But, I will think about it, all right? Just don’t hassle me on it,” I added and he accepted my terms with a nod, “And, hey.. If I don’t get a chance to say it before you go down to the beach later, good luck, man,” I said genuinely and he smiled appreciatively.
“Thanks, Luca,” he replied and we went inside to eat dinner with the family.
Despite renovating and changing the dining room into a new living room, my parents still moved around the furniture and converted it back into a dining room whenever all of us came over to have dinner together. It was the only place they had room in the house that would fit everyone. There was chatter all throughout the room and it was noisy, but a good noisy. The room was full of life again with all of us together and I really enjoyed coming to my parents place with everyone gathered and all at the same place at the same time. It reminded me of when all of us still lived here and every night at dinner, it was just the same now as it was then.. But, there was one thing that I didn’t notice until now..
Where’s August? ..Where’s Dad, too?
I excused myself from the temporary dining room and walked over to the front windows, looking out and not seeing August’s truck parked in the driveway and I wondered if he was coming at all. When I turned around to go back to the living room where everyone else was, I noticed my dad standing in the kitchen, his hands on the counter top starring off into nothing and I grew concerned. Shit, I knew that look.. Had August been here already and left?
I walked over to the kitchen and stopped about ten feet from him.
“Dad?” I asked and he looked over to me, a smile on his lips, but his eyes showed something completely different.
“Hey,” he replied.
“Is Augie coming?”
“N-No, uhm.. He was here already.. We just got done talking and he had to leave,” he replied, walking over to a bottle of wine that was on the counter by the fridge and grabbing it.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, stopping him from leaving the kitchen and he looked at me as if I needed to get out of his way.
“Nothing’s wrong. Go to the table and sit down, they’re probably waiting for us,” he answered and I could tell by his tone that he didn’t want to talk about whatever was said between him and Augie, but I didn’t like that he was upset over it and I wanted to help.
“Come on, just tell me. Why’d he leave? What’d he get mad about this time?” I tried to make a slight joke out of it, hoping he might be okay with telling me if it wasn’t that serious.
“Go to the table and sit down,” he repeated, not budging on his solid choice in not answering my question. I guess it was something serious.
“All right.. Want me to beat his ass for you?” I asked and he smirked and laughed softly, glad that I was able to make him laugh, if only for a moment.
“No, that’s not necessary. Now, come on.. Let’s not keep everyone waiting,” he replied and I nodded, walking back to the living room as my dad followed behind.
When everyone was seated, the kids along the sides and Dad and Pop at both ends of the table, I simply watched and listened in on some conversations as we all ate. Jiro and Niko were in the middle, talking about a new video game they were both playing and comparing it to prequels.. Umiko and Petra sat by Dad and talked about what they should do together tomorrow, I think I heard one of them mention either the mall or the movies.. I sat across from AnneMarie next to Pop at the other end and they talked about mundane things I didn’t care about, my view eventually going to my dad at the other end of the table and he did the same as me, quietly listening to the conversations around him, but his eyes easily read that he was upset about something.. It makes me angry knowing that even if they spend a small amount of time together, August somehow finds a way to rattle him and all I wanted to do was help, but he’d never let me or any of the rest of us in on what they always talk about. Maybe Pop knew, maybe he didn’t, but if he did, he did a way better job at hiding his feelings than my dad did about whatever it was..
August really has been showing a different side of himself the last few years around us, especially Dad, but I wondered if anyone else noticed like I did..? It was obviously something serious, it was obviously an upsetting subject since my dad always had that same lost and defeated expression, and it was obvious because August hated coming here.. But, why? Did they have a fight none of us knew about and they’ve been arguing about it in private ever since? I didn’t understand, and I didn’t like it, either.
As everyone was practically done eating, I noticed Niko starring at the table and I watched as his eyes were going around his plate, but I knew his mind wasn’t on food.. He looked like a man talking himself up and getting ready for one of the biggest moments in his life. AnneMarie seemed to notice, too.
“Hey, you all right?” She asked him and he looked at her with a straight face, but soon his expression went soft and loving and I knew the moment he smiled at her, he was ready.
“Yeah, I’m fine.. Uhm.. Can I talk to you out back for a minute?” He asked and she nodded.
“O’course,” she answered and I watched them excuse themselves from the table and go towards the back door, but before Niko left the room with AnneMarie walking ahead of him, he looked at he quickly and I stuck my hand out for the fastest low-five we’d ever done. A simple five like that wasn’t so simple for us and it said a lot more than we could say right now. That gesture meant good luck, go get ‘er, don’t screw this up, I love you.. It meant everything. Besides Pia and Tavish, Niko was my best friend, too, but he was also family, and we didn’t need to use words a lot of the time for us to understand one another.
After about a minute, the curiosity I knew Pop was feeling was way too much for him to endure any longer..
“What’s all that about?” He wondered, the rest of my family all eventually looking to me and they knew exactly what was going on, they just needed confirmation.. We’ve all been waiting a long time for Niko to purpose to AnneMarie and none of us wanted to miss it..
“Oh, nothing.. It’s just Niko purposing to her down at the beach,” I said as if it were no big deal.
“Oh,” Pop replied, not fully grasping what I said so casually until literally a second later, “Oh!”
“He didn’t tell anyone but you?!” Umiko said in a panic, but my dad spoke up to try to contain the excitement.
“Let’s just let them have their moment, okay? I’m sure Niko would like some privacy,” he instructed, but Jiro wasn’t having any of it.
“Fuck that! I’m watching!” He called out, popping up quickly from his seat and running towards the back door.
“Jiro!” Dad called out, but he didn’t stop.
“If he goes, so am I!” Umiko then announced, following right behind him and Petra simply gave a big, innocent smile.
“Sorry, Dad, but I gotta see, too!” She said with slight guilt, but quickly went with Umi and Jiro out the back anyhow.
“Come watch, Dad.. If he actually did want privacy, he wouldn’t have chosen to propose here,” I joked, but I still made a pretty valid point.
“He’s right, Oliver. Don’t even act like you’re not dying to see this,” Pop agreed as he stood up, walking over to Dad and he held out his hand, “Let’s go watch our son get engaged,” he said with a warm, loving tone and Dad smiled and nodded.
“You’re right, I can’t just sit here,” he finally agreed, taking Pop’s hand and the rest of us rushed outside to the back yard.
Petra, Umi and Jiro stood at the top of the hill with a clear view of the beach a few hundred feet away and we arrived there, too, just as Niko and AnneMarie stopped in the sand. I don’t know why, but I was so nervous for him, I’m sure all of us were. We knew how crazy it would be for her to say ‘no’ to him, it seemed flat out impossible that there was any chance she would, but it was one of those things that you just can’t help but worry about.. The big, dreaded, awful “what if”.
Niko was holding her hands and talking to her and we couldn’t hear anything. All we could do was watch and we all watched for the same thing. For her head to nod ‘yes’, for us to hear her scream it from all the way down at the beach, for her to jump into his arms, or, well.. For her to run away.. But, no, that was definitely not going to happen. It couldn’t.
There it was, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box, then went down to his one knee and AnneMarie brought her hands up to cover her mouth in shock. I glanced over towards my parents and I could see how much happiness and emotion was beaming off of them, wondering to myself if I’d ever make them that proud..
It made me a little jealous of my brother.. Niko was always praised for his hard work, the dedication he put into balancing his schooling, his relationship, his family and everything else in his life while I barely had or tried at anything. I didn’t get good grades like him and I didn’t go to college, I didn’t have the perfect girlfriend like he did that my parents loved, I didn’t have a clue where I was going in life like he did.. I didn’t have anything.
The moment that the little box he held opened, able to see the shine of the tiny ring all the way up to where we were, we knew Niko was asking the big question and without hesitation, AnneMarie replied.
“Yes! I will, I will!” We all heard AnneMarie’s answer loud and clear and Niko put the ring on her finger. The moment he stood up, she jumped into his arms and he did everything right, even holding her and twirling her around like I only saw in the movies.
But, just because I was a little jealous of my brother didn’t mean I couldn’t be happy for him, and damn, I really was.
“Fuck yeah, Niko! Woooo!” I called out first to get the ball rolling and my siblings jumped in right after, making us all sound like a pack of howler monkey’s with how much we loudly rejoiced and cheered from the top of the hill. Even from all the way from up here, we could tell that neither Niko or AnneMarie knew we were watching the whole thing and they seemed a little embarrassed at first, like they’d been caught doing something inappropriate, but that was quickly proven wrong when Niko grabbed her and pulled her into a long kiss.
“All right, now we should leave them alone.. Let’s go,” Dad called it quits, wanting to give them their privacy now more then he did earlier and we all headed back towards the house.
I sat in a lounge chair back by the pool, everyone anxiously waiting for the newly engaged couple to come back, show off the ring, and share the good news that everyone was already aware of. Dad and Pop even had a bottle of champagne lying around that they brought out, as if they’ve been waiting for this moment forever and they were completely prepared.
Honestly? ..Kind of made me feel like shit all over again because I was one hundred percent positive they didn’t have anything like that prepared for me.. They didn’t expect great things from me like they did for Niko.
After about a ten minute wait for them to come back from the beach, they finally walked up and everyone crowded them, giving hugs galore and praises and good fortunes, but I just simply sat there watching it all with a smile on my face. I’m beyond happy for my brother, I’m beyond happy to have another sister as sweet as AnneMarie, it’s just that, well.. The whole situation made me feel that much more alone and worthless, even with the presence of everyone closest to me standing right before my eyes.
Fuck.. Is this going to be some kind of ongoing joke I have with myself that I go day by day trying to convince myself that I’m genuinely happy?
When it all died down a little, Niko noticed me sitting off by myself out of the group and excused himself, walking over towards me and the smile that remained on my lips for show got bigger. I rose from the lounge chair and hugged my little brother, holding him tightly for a long moment before finally letting him go.
“I’m proud of you. And I’m completely ecstatic for you,” I began and the most genuine smile I had ever seen him give was right there before me.
“I-I.. I can’t even tell you how happy I am. There’s no way to measure it,” he replied.
“Earlier you wanted to talk to me about something if she said yes, and.. Well, she said yes, like I fucking told you she would,” I rubbed in a little and he chuckled, “So? What is it?”
Without hesitation, he answered, “I want you to be my best man,” he said with such excitement, still on a complete high from getting engaged and I was pretty speechless. I had never thought he’d ask me to be this for him, for some reason it never even bothered to cross my mind. I always saw their marriage happening, but me as his best man? That’s actually quite the honor and quite the surprise.
“Holy shit, uh- Yeah, yeah I’d love to be your best man! Thanks for thinking of me,” I said appreciatively and he brushed it off like it was nothing.
“Come on, you had to see this coming.. We’re the closest out of all of them and I can’t ask Dad or Pop-”
“But you would, if you could?” I teased and he laughed.
“No, I wouldn’t. I’m just saying that it should’ve been a given. You’re my best friend and you’ve always been there for me. Beat the shit out of kids who looked at me wrong, protected AnneMarie as if she were Umi or Petra, brought me out of my slumps whenever I was in them.. I wouldn’t ask anyone else,” he finished and I was genuinely touched.
Damn, this is pretty awesome.
“Wow, man.. I can’t wait to plan your Bachelor party,” I said with a devious grin and he laughed again.
“Luca, I don’t want anything too crazy, okay? I don’t want strippers or anything wild, I just want something quiet where I can get drunk with you and a few others and that’s it, okay? That’s it, I’m serious,” he tried to convince me and I smirked.
“Fine, fine.. Whatever you say,” I brushed off, not taking him all that seriously..
“Luca, I am serious,” he stressed, giving me a straight face and I studied it hard. He didn’t blink, neither did I. I squinted my eyes just slightly in suspicion and his eyes remained determined, serious, focused.. However, I was always way better than him at this game, this look we used to read one another and the very second that I saw the edge of his mouth twitch into a smirk, I called it.
“There it is! I saw it! You’re not serious at all!” I called his bluff.
“Noooo! No! You can’t do that! You were trying to make me laugh!” He contested, but I wasn’t budging.
“Nope, you gave in first, I win,” I replied with a grin still on my lips, but Niko soon turned a little more serious again.
“Luca, come on, please? Nothing too crazy, and even if AnneMarie never finds out about anything that happens, I still want nothing that would make her upset,” he asked nicely with his big, stupid, convincing puppy-dog eyes.
“I’m just fucking with you, okay? I know you. I’ll do right by you, trust me. It’s going to be the funnest night of your life until you go on your honeymoon,” I hinted and Niko smiled bashfully at the thought of it.
Being chosen as Best Man was truly an honor and I wasn’t going to take this for granted. I was going to do something classy, like he wanted, but I was also going to throw a little more ‘fun’ into the mix and find a really classy girl to take her shirt off for him. I know he said he didn’t want a stripper, but that’s just one thing I have to ignore. I’ll pick a girl that’ll be topless only, which seems a little more laid back, and either way, I know he’ll appreciate it. Niko doesn’t strike me as the type of guy who would like a girl that took everything off and I wasn’t going to get anything too crazy or raunchy. I’m going to do everything he wants me to do, but I’m just going to kick it up a notch, that’s all. I won’t make him regret putting me in charge of all of this.
The engagement celebration went on for about half an hour, but around the forty five minute mark, I was getting a little tired of it. Even with the good news of Niko asking me to be his best man and feeling so honored to have been asked, I don’t think it was a powerful enough distraction from what I’d been thinking about throughout today. I was over this and wanted to leave. I was happy for my brother, I was happy for my family and how happy they were, but with everything that’s crossed my mind today, I was beginning to look for something else to end my night with.. The one thing that was always guaranteed to distract me from my thoughts and be able to completely let go..
Luckily, I got a text within a few minutes of thinking this.
The text read from a girl that I hook up with every now and then, wanting me to come over. She was nowhere near what people would think she was, she’s honestly just a fuck-buddy, but the only one that I had that was consistent rather than the random girls I went home with and never saw again. She was twenty and I’d sleep with her every few months or so, but it was never anything more than just having fun and that’s what I liked. Plus, she had a great rack and I felt like I needed a different kind of company than that of my family to end the night right. This is exactly what I needed.
After wishing Niko and AnneMarie my congratulations and luck, I quickly said goodnight to the rest of my family and left as fast as I could without making it suspicious at all. I revved up my GTO and got onto the road, heading a few blocks from where I was to meet up with a girl I thought was extremely relaxing about these types of situations, not to mention really great at sex. She understood that whatever we do together, we won’t make it a ‘thing’ and it was only for fun.. If we had time, we did it. It not, we didn’t, and better luck next time. Simple as that.
I didn’t pull into her driveway, I parked a few houses down in the grass the opposite direction of the way her dad would come home. Her father knew my car.
“I’m here. Down the street a bit just off the road.”
I texted Becca, letting her know I was waiting.
“Be out in a sec! <333”
She replied a moment later.
Becca’s dad had broken my windshield with a bat once because he found us together in my car in their driveway and that whole situation was not fun, but, fuck, was it exhilarating.. That sense of urgency and the feeling of maybe getting caught is what I lived for. I hated him for hurting my car, but getting caught like that? Man, that was such a fucking rush. Maybe that’s why I always tried to say ‘yes’ to her when she texted me, maybe I wanted to get caught again, maybe I wanted another chance to hurt him like he had hurt my car, but either way, getting caught or not, it was still worth it. Still fucking his daughter after his more-than-obvious warning was just another slap in his face and I loved how everything with her involved such potential chaos. Sometimes I really did want to crash and burn, and tonight, I felt as if there was a reason for me to.
After about five minutes, I finally saw Becca walking up to my car wearing a small top and a short skirt that barely left anything to the imagination. She climbed into the passengers seat and the second the door shut behind her, she gripped the bottom of her shirt, pulled it over her head and revealed the purple bathing suit top she wore underneath.
“Well, hello,” I said with a grin, a little surprised at how rushed it felt already and Becca smiled wide.
“Hey,” she replied with a seductive tone, climbing over and straddling me in the drivers seat right away as she then reached back and undid her top, knowing exactly what I liked seeing most during our dirty little rendezvous and I waited until I saw her breasts before doing anything else..
I stared at her chest as she undid the ties and she tossed her top in the backseat of my car, finally seeing what I wanted, and fuck, was it glorious. Such perfect, young, supple breasts before me and I tried to forget about all of my insecurities as I stared at them. This is exactly what I needed, a distraction, a distraction from everything that bothered me and sex was always the outlet that worked best. It hasn’t failed me yet.
I undid my pants quickly, pulling them down with my underwear and my excitement came out of my pants on its own. I stared at her breasts, letting my mind go blank and succeeding at trying my best to briefly forget about today. These situations were good for neither of us despite how badly I needed it, but with Becca in front of me now, there wasn’t much that could tear me away from this.. Even my thoughts that told me to do different, to pack up and just go home, I ignored.. Becca wasn’t a sure thing, nor was any other girl I’ve slept with, but I was okay with that for now.. Things aren’t complicated, they were good and stress-relieving, and I took full advantage of them. I’m not doing anything wrong, yet at the same time, yeah, I kind of was, and it felt great.
I pulled her towards me, my lips connecting with the skin of her breasts and planting hard, rough, moist pecks all over them. She arched her back when I bit her nipple and when my excitement grazed against her, I didn’t notice any fabric.. Only moist flesh.
I took my mouth away from her for a brief moment, “No underwear?” I let her know I finally noticed and she shook her head.
“Nope,” she confirmed as she bit her bottom lip with the same smile she held.
“So right to it then, huh?” I asked and she nodded, my mouth going back to her chest.
I was ready. I was ready to get lost in something that wasn’t right, something that I didn’t care about, something that meant nothing to me all for the sake of forgetting who I am. All I wanted was to let go for a little while, to have something to occupy my mind with for the rest of the night, to bask in my own accomplishment of getting what I wanted without worrying about the approval of anyone else. This was all for me.
I reached into the middle console storage as my breathing grew a little heavier and pulled out a wrap, tearing it open and securing it on me before she adjusted the skirt she wore and she guided me into her.
“Ahh, fuuuck,” I let out as she took all of me slowly, the depth of me soon hitting her and I felt her arch her back desperately when I was all in. She let out a sharp moan, her chest close to my face and she began going up and down, taking her time at first, but going a little quicker within a minute later.
This is exactly what I needed for a remedy. I needed someone that enjoyed giving me the attention that I wanted, the pleasure I needed, and the company I craved that wasn’t that of family or close friends or anyone else that may think less of me for doing such things as this that I treated so casually and without a single care or regret.
“I-It’s been a while, you look good,” I complimented as my hand slid up her side and up to cup her breast and she moaned softly.
“Ahh.. Yeah, y-you too.. You’re hair got longer,” she replied as she then reached up and grabbed a fistful of it from the back and pulled at it roughly, “I like it,” she continued and I grinned as she then brought her lips to my jawline and kissed me roughly all the way back to my earlobe.
I inhaled sharply through my teeth when I felt her bite the edge of my ear, feeling her going a little harder from my reaction and she knew exactly what I needed and when I needed it. We’d been getting together like this since she was eighteen, so she knew a lot of things that I liked and I knew everything she liked, too, but we still knew nothing about one another outside of sex. If I were to label this anything, Becca’s probably the closest thing to a relationship I’ve had in seven years, but that still really isn’t saying much at all. We’ve been consistent as far as getting together every few months or so to fool around, but that’s it. Seeing one another outside of these random hookup’s was out of the question for both of us and neither of us ever wanted anything more than what we were doing right now.
“So, what’s.. W-What’s the occasion?” I asked through heavy panting and she rode me as she answered.
“Ah! Ah.. I just.. Need to do this one more time,” she replied, slamming down on me a little harder and she leaned in to kiss me, but I pulled back and didn’t let her, causing her lips to land on my cheek instead. I rarely kissed the women I fooled around with on the lips, it was too intimate for me and I didn’t like it, but I thought it was weird that she tried to since she’s tried it before and I told her to never try it again. I only kissed a girl if I genuinely liked her or if the mood was intimate enough to where it called for it, but this? What we do together is random, emotionless, definitely not intimate or romantic, so fuck no, I don’t ever want to kiss her.
We only had sex whenever it was convenient and the last time I saw her was six months ago, but for some reason, this time seemed to mean more to her than the rest of the times.. The vibe that was coming from her was a lot different than what I remember.. I was starting to not like it.
“Ahh, w-what.. What do you mean.. One more time?” I asked as she continued to go hard in my lap and I gripped her hips tightly for something to hold onto as she rode me, only aiding her movements.
“I j-just… Ahhhhh,” she expressed pleasurably before continuing, “I just needed one more time with you, t-that’s all,” she replied, but even though I was enjoying every bit of this, her words concerned me and I didn’t like how she made it seem like this was our last big ‘hoorah’.
“What are you talking about?” I asked as she continued to grind against me as hard as she could, as if she was trying to beat a record of ours or something.
“I got a b-boyfriend after the last time we did, you know.. This,” she replied and I suddenly stopped, gripping her hips harder to hold her in place so we could halt for a moment and she looked at me questionably.
“Excuse me, what?” I asked, suddenly out of the mood from her words.
“It’s not a big deal,” she said with a giggle through her panting, leaning in again and trying to kiss me and I pulled back even more.
“What the hell’s wrong with you? Stop trying to fucking kiss me.. And can you explain this to me, please?” I asked as my anger was building.
“What? I got a boyfriend, like, four or five months ago. What’s the big deal? We do this all the time casually and you never complain. I just wanted one more time with you before I moved in with him,” she replied, trying to continue to bounce her hips up and down, but my grip was strong and I didn’t let her continue to tempt me.
“Wait, wait, wait.. Are you fucking kidding me right now? You have a boyfriend and you’re moving in with him?” I asked, baffled at the news I was just given and she sighed, as if exhausted by me stopping our fun and making a big deal, but what the fuck was this? I never messed with girls that were taken, I had a strict rule about this with myself, and had she told me before I was inside of her, I’d never have let her in my lap. I don’t like messing with other guys girlfriend’s.. It’s fucked up, I don’t know if they have anything that I can get, even with protection, and I don’t even want to get into a fight where it could possibly not end in my favor. I need to figure out what I’m up against before I go sticking my nose, among other things, where they don’t belong.
“Okay, whatever, who cares? You’re better at sex than he is, but I thought we’d do it one more time before I stopped because he’ll get suspicious if we live together and I sneak out for a quick fuck,” she explained as if it were the most logical choice she could’ve made and I was baffled by her stupidity.
“Get the hell off of me,” I said with little interest, completely out of the mood now and she pulled away reluctantly to lay back into the passengers seat.
“What’s the difference if we stop now or later? We still did it whether you come or not, dumbass. You can’t be serious right now,” she said in annoyance and I scoffed.
“Are you fucking serious right now, Becca?” I then asked angrily, pulling the wrap off of myself and tossing it out the window before quickly pulling my pants back up.
“What’s wrong? I’ve had boyfriends before and you didn’t care then!” She argued and I was completely floored.
“What?! You never told me about them! How the hell am I supposed to just know that if you don’t tell me? I don’t fuck with girls that are taken! Are you serious right now?” I asked angrily again, still baffled by the news she was telling me and she looked at me as if I was blowing her mind.
“Jesus, calm down, Luca! What is your problem? It’s really not-”
“Get the fuck out of my car,” I said angrily as I stared at my steering wheel.
“..Really? How can you so easily stop fucking me because of this bullshit? What kind of man are you?” She asked and my eyes quickly darted towards her after her comment.
“I’m a man that you know absolutely nothing about. Get out of my fucking car and don’t ever text me again. Whatever the hell this is is over. Even if you said it was the last time, I know you and you’d text me again whenever you got fucking bored with him, so no, this is done. I’m done,” I made it more clear to her and she grabbed her shirt and quickly got out of my car, slamming the door behind her.
Becca threw her shirt on quickly, “You know what, Luca? You’re pathetic,” she began as she leaned into the open window, “You get mad that I have a boyfriend, but it’s my choice to do whatever the hell I want, and when I tell you I have one, you make it seem like I’m fucking cheating on you! We’re not together, Luca, we never were! We just fuck! Stop acting like I’m only yours, because I’m definitely not,” she argued back and I laughed sarcastically.
“Oh, believe me, Becca, I’m very aware that you’re not mine and I’m fucking glad! I wouldn’t want some slut anyways that sneaks around behind my back with a better fuck than her own boyfriend. It’s girls like you that make me stay away from fucked up relationships because all you’re ever looking for is the next dick to sit on!” I answered harshly and even through the dark, I could see her eyes beginning to tear up.
“Fuck you, asshole!” She yelled at me before walking angrily back to her house.
“Yeah, I’m the asshole,” I mumbled sarcastically under my breath, starting my car and getting the hell out of this mess.
This night couldn’t have gone any worse.
I drove home kicking myself the whole way there, hating what tonight had turned into and hating myself for it. I wasn’t mad at August, or Niko, or Becca, I was mad at myself. Everything that I did today pissed me off and I’m such a fucking moron. August walks around treating Dad and everyone else like shit and I don’t do anything about it when I’m the only one that can and should, Niko proposes to his girlfriend of almost ten years and all I can think about is myself, and Becca didn’t tell me about the boyfriends she’s had while we fooled around, but I never should’ve been seeing her this consistently anyways, and I should’ve never thought that things with her would never get complicated. I should’ve seen this coming a mile away and I should’ve called it quits after the first time like I do with every other girl. All that bothered me today was all because of me, everything was my fault and I had no one else to blame but myself.
“What the hell is wrong with me?” I asked myself.
When I got home, I sat in my car for a minute, hanging my head in my own shame and letting it all sink in. Today was just not my day. I felt weak. I am weak. I try so hard to appear strong and resilient and impervious to pain, but the truth is that I absorb it like a sponge and just hold onto it until I can’t take it anymore. I get into my head too much and I end up screwing myself over from having a normal day because I can’t stop thinking, worrying, wondering. I’m at war with myself constantly but no one would ever know it otherwise because I’m so good at hiding it. I ignore it all by distracting myself. I have sex, I get wasted, sometimes I resort to drugs, but the one thing I never do is let anyone see me for what I really am. I can’t risk anyone seeing that ever again.. I don’t want to lose anyone else.
Becca’s right.. I am pathetic.
“Hey,” I heard Tavish’s slightly concerned voice through the open passenger window and I lifted my head to look over at him.
“Hey,” I replied with little strength.
“You okay?” He asked, able to see that something was wrong, but I was in no mood to talk about it, so I lied.. Something I actually don’t do often, especially to one of my best friends..
“..Looks like you had some fun tonight, eh?” He implied, seeing him nod his head towards the back seat and I glanced back to see that Becca had left her purple bikini top behind.
I sighed and gave a fake smirk, “Yeah, I guess you could say that..”
“You sure you’re okay?” He asked again, but I changed the subject.
“..Wanna go grab a beer?” I asked, seeing on his face that he knew I needed one and he nodded.
“Sure.. Yeah, let’s go,” he replied, opening the door and getting into my car, not bothering to ask if I was okay again because I knew he could see that I wasn’t, but more importantly, he saw that I didn’t want to talk about it.
I think I’m just going to wash all of this away with a beer.. Or maybe ten.